Crossroads

As I watched the family of three with number 4 on the way sit down for lunch, I see mom shoving food down her throat with the spoon in one hand, the other hand instinctively moving away objects that her little one might grab and daddy topping up the dish plate with more food and packing up the car with their stuff for their long journey drive. They have a house, a car,a high flying career each, a kid and another one on the way, insurance, savings, bonds and plans for at least the next 15 years down the road. They're secured no matter what others might say about their lives.

I can't help but wonder what have i got? I am aware that comparisons are bad because no two people are the same. I can't always keep up with the Jones otherwise I'll be left behind in fulfilling my own dreams. I don't want to end up chasing other people's dreams and thats a very thin line to cross when you start comparing yourself to others. Having disclaimed to my fullest content, my point is that, what bothers me is MY personal accomplishments. That I am far from fulfilling my dreams, especially when I barely even scratched the surface in providing myself with the bare necessities. 

The bigger realization is that, I don't even know what I want anymore, or where my goals lie, or who I am. I'm neither here nor there, and truthfully, it hurts to be lost especially for someone who always ALWAYS has an action plan. 


I'm sure that if anyone reads this, they might feel that my post drips with ungratefulness, especially when I have so much to be thankful for, and yet i feel indifferent towards what they think about this. Reason being, I have yet to see the light at the end of the tunnel for as long as I have lived. I have always lived the hard life, fighting and clawing for little shreds of luck that have fallen out of someone else's silver spoon. I see people lament about living overseas, about the loneliness, about being lost in the material world, about not finding that ray of hope which directs them to the correct path and much more. Yes those are major issued to iron out, those are phases which i can only wish they didn't have to go through. While living a lost life without a sense of direction can retard your self growth, living a life without much choices, is much, i repeat, MUCH worse off.

 Although i have been blessed to have found my passion in working for a cause, I haven't found the way to make my life wholesome. I'll be hypocritical to say that passion is ALL i need to have to survive and that i can live on rain water and sunshine. Passion is an essential part of the work that you do, otherwise you'd just be a drone. But passion which comes with no appreciation in the form of cash or words, is not worth it.


Thank you social work, for filling my soul with such completeness, that I am doomed to be in debt for life.