The little Rocker has arrived..

Zion Hendrix was born on the 27th March 2009. He has a full head of hair, has daddy's features, mama's will of fire and he is my Godson. 

I heard from MamaJo that he's been a good baby so far. Eat sleeps poops. Not fussy and always warm and snuggly. Haha..

I can't wait to go back to jb on friday to see the little gem

. 

This year, my life will be changed forever by three little men. Though i suspect it might be 4 instead of 3, its too early to say so yet. But to the three little men of my life, I pledge my love to you always!!!!!

Go Watch Talentime!!!!!!!

Yasmin Ahmad has done it again! Spectacular, amazing, heart wrenching, and a movie which has kept my thoughts haunted since last night till this very moment.

Yesterday, i dragged Bernard out for a movie which i knew he was reluctant to go to. For starters, Malaysian produced movies generally suck! They are weepy, redundant, same old story line, or as some has recently ventured, a total failure copy cat of Hollywood movies which makes me sick to my stomach by just watching the trailer itself.

Don't get me wrong. I do not just enjoy ANY Hollywood movies. In face, i love Warner Independent films and low budget movies with big impacts on issues that people are too shyed away from.

So, at the cinema, Bernard gives one last plunge to try and convince me to watch something else. I refused to budge, even tho i knew the last movie of my choice was an utter and total disaster which we walked out halfway off, after dozing of in the first half an hour itself. I stood in the ticket line, excited like a child waiting in turn for free cotton candy. I was peering up at the screens and thanking God for "Confessions of a Shopaholic" which came out on the same day as well as all the other shallow people standing in line muttering complains on how fast the "no-brainer" movie was selling out. I was happy. The status of the tickets on sale was still green. I giggled to myself, and i knew it was going to be good. I just knew it. 

In the cinema, i was shocked by how little support Malaysians gave Yasmin Ahmad. Yasmin Ahmad is like the Steven Spielberg of Malaysia and yet, a handful of people graced the third day the movie was launched. Sigh.. Bernard felt restless over the Malaysian ads being played before the movie started. If i didn't insist, he wouldn't be there, tho reluctantly. But i needed him to understand why i loved her films so much, and although i knew her movie would be slow, i knew he would love it..

I don't think i've sobbed this way before in any other movie. I have only cried in 5 movies to date. FIVE!!! First was Stepmom. Second was I am Sam, Third was Sepet, Fourth was Marley and Me ( i just cant stand seeing dogs die and not that the movie was great ), and Fifth was Talentime. From the beginning to the end, it was the ultimate film Yasmin Ahmad had ever produced and directed. 

For two and half hours, i was glued to the screen. Bernard and me didn't talk. We laughed, we teared, "I" sobbed, he smiled, We felt every emotion in the movie. It was simple, honest, bare and naked as the truth that surrounded us. The cast truly embraced the roles. The price of living the "muhibbah" dream was pricier to some more than the others.

If you have the time, if you are in Malaysia. If you are not a katak bawah tempurung, get out of the house and head to the nearest cinema. Take a plunge in "Talentime" and you will NOT regret it. DO it before it's too late, once you miss it, you will regret it. :)

Hello?

Where are You when i need You?

Its all about me

I believe that i have somehow fallen into the black hole of being in a comfort zone again. Without realising, i have somehow gotten a notch too comfortable with my pathetic routined expected daily life. There is only certainty in my life, no surprises or potholes. I pretty much know where i will end up or which street i'll take. Now don't get me wrong, i may like to consider myself as a planner, a controller of my own ocean and universe. Yet i adhere to everything people say. I am governed by rules, expectations, wants, and needs of those around me. I am not the master of myself. So the predictability of my actions are really not my own initiative or wants. I am predictable in a way where i will not resist what people want me to do. In simple words, i don't have an option of having my own opinion.

Today i did a personality test. Now i don't really know the credibility or validity of this test since it was formulated by a lecturer whom i know nothing off in  terms of reputation. But to my surprise, i was a controller, a seeker of greater heights and a activist who will constantly challenge the readily available solutions. How can i be all of these if the image i see in the mirror everyday is someone who my peers expects me to be, and not who i expect myself to be? I am beginning to believe that i have fallen into the comfort zone of ignoring my own expectations as a human being. I am not the fiery, passionate, energy-sodden young lady i once thought myself to be. I am no longer independent of myself and my own actions. I am shameful of everything i expect to achieve and somehow believe that at the expense of realising my dreams, i will be a selfish person to my loved ones.

I think i've reached a threshold in term of conformity. And to hell with those who don't understand what i'm trying to say in this piece, because i truly understand every word i'm typing now. I am being the most truthful i've ever been with myself right now. 

I want to travel, i want to be recognised for my achievements, albeit the amount that i can count with fingers on one hand, i want to travel, see the world, experience culture, pain, life, love, hopes and dreams of strangers i've never known all my life. I want to be sodden in a sea of uncertainties, and yet be certain that i will find something valuable out of it. I don't want money to govern my life, yet be free of the burden that the lack of money brings to myself. I want to have my way, and decide, and be free-spirited. I want changes and to give mundanity a one way ticket out of my life. I want to be appreciated, not only for what i am capable of, but also as the person that i am. I want to be serenaded by nature, by people. I want to be celebrated. I want to be able to do more than what i am doing now.

God's Greatest Creation?

How can we claim to be God's greatest creation?

When we don't even know the rest of his creations?

How can we claim to be God's greatest creation?

When we don't even share the same belief that we believe in one God?

How can we claim to be God's greatest creation?

When we destroy everything he has created?

How can we claim to be God's greatest creation?

When our creations are meant for mass destruction?

How can we claim to be God's greatest creation?

When we don't even protect his other creations?

How can we claim to be God's greatest creation?

When we try to be God ourselves?

I watched a documentary on the "Iron Wall" a couple of days ago. It is a documentary based on the Israel-Palestine conflict. I wouldn't call it a conflict actually, because it was more of an oppression. An oppression for the sake of revenge over events that happened in the A.D period itself. An oppression of the chosen people over the rightful land owners.

Judaism and Christianity are world apart. The major element is that we believe in salvation by the death of Christ for us, but since Jewish do not see Jesus as the Son of God, they are still waiting for salvation. Christians await the second coming of the Lord, Judgement day. Jewish are still waiting for the first coming...Many are confused by the Gaza conflict. Media portrays it as religious conflicts, Truth is, it has been and will always be Land conflict.

I am somewhat glad that we do not believe in the same God. Or rather, we have different opinions on what our God is like. Jews and Christians that is. Because, My God is a merciful God and I'd be ashamed to say that we came from the same stock. 

You may be the chosen ones. But you are not God's greatest creation...

Delicacy of Language

Have you ever had so many thoughts whirling in your mind that you just don't know which to focus on? If there is one thing i am extremely poor at, it would be conflict mapping. I understand the issues are they are, Sometimes i am able to decipher what root causes may be, but most of the time, i am clueless to where to focus on in order to solve problems, simply because i get wrapped up in looking for solutions, i literally put myself in a cage in danger of plunging anytime from the third floor. They say, being a web watcher, is more important than being a web weaver, because sometimes when you are watching the web, you can pin point on what the web weaver is doing wrong in the first place..

Though i have many issues swimming in my head now, trying to form bonds to make sense of why i am so affected by many situations that literally have nothing to do with me, the one thought i am most conscious of is the issue of Teaching Maths and Science in English which has recently caused many uproars.

Let me explain the view from the window i am looking at. I never learnt Science or Maths in English when i was in school. During my study period, everything was in Bahasa Melayu and though it made perfect sense, it proved to be detrimental to my education later on. Now mind you, the standard of maths and English was exactly the same as it would have been taught in English right now. However, when i decided to further my studies to A levels. Thats when i plunged hard and below. From SPM to A'Levels, Matriculation, or Foundation studies, the level -of education are worlds apart. Therefore, you cram more information into your brain which has already passed its potential growth stage in a shorter given time. And i had hell when i did my A Levels. The language barrier was not impossible to overcome, but it did set me back a couple of months. In spite of English being my first language at home, it was still difficult to understand terminology and explanations especially in a scientific way. I cannot account for the many many times i lost marks in examinations because of my choice of words, or inaccurate spelling in English. And that was a set back to me, because i wasn't used to being the less "cemerlang" student. For the first time in my life, my self esteem deflated to zero and i had doubts as to how proficient my English was after all. 

A few years later, when i heard that Maths and Science were to be taught in English from the start. I was overjoyed. Being a product of the previous system, i realised that if you were to choose institutions of higher learning who teach in english later on, you might as well start from the beginning to help in the transition of different levels of education. Because truth being told, almost ALL our government universities conduct exams in English especially when it is in regards to Science and Maths. Therefore, it only makes perfect sense to start teaching the students from the beginning of it all in the same given medium!

Now, the issue of losing one's identity in the way education is conveyed to the younger generation is suddenly in question. MY QUESTION to the people who are insisting to change the medium of teaching back in Bahasa Malaysia now is, why stop at primary and secondary level? Might as well teach only in Bahasa Malaysia at University levels too? Are they too scared that our graduates might end up as good for nothings should they only be able to converse in Bahasa Malaysia? So if they are truly, TRULY looking for a way to preserve whats left of the Malay culture, then why "acah acah" to advocate a change for only primary and secondary school levels? A bit hypocritical aren't we?

I personally feel that instead of looking for better avenues to help the anak anak Malaysia have a better life, they are truly betraying the younger generation of Malaysia by denying them what's best in life. And to be completely honest, Our national language which has had a name change from Bahasa Melayu to Bahasa Malaysia to Bahasa Melayu again countless times, does not really serve as a language that Malaysians can identify as a bond between the many races living in harmony. For starters, the connotation of naming the national language Bahasa Melayu itself is an ambiguous underhanded way of instigating racial superiority, lest we should forget who this country truly belongs to. If you look back in history, many oppression of people started by governance trying to unify a race by disallowing ethnic languages. Indonesia and Thailand was one good example, where even their names had to be of the national language regardless of race or religion. I wonder sometimes, what does it take for Malaysians to learn from the repercussions of the mistakes our neighbours had made? In thailand, the major problem is in Patani where there are armed conflict by the Muslim Thais. The story behind this armed conflict started off with language and not religion. Prime Minister Thaksin ordered the Patani people to stop speaking their indigenous language which is Kelantanese Melayu as a start. Later on, the rest of the conflict followed suit. After 30 years, not to many people's knowledge, the Patani conflict is still going strong. Every day,home made bombs are being set off and casualties include death.

I recently met a Malay man from Penang who works in an IPTA. When i complimented him on his good command of English, he immediately defended his race, saying all of them have good command of English, it's just that they don't practise it. I smiled and wondered if he knew i was referring to his pronunciation and articulation of the language, rather than just the written. But i left it as it is. Language is after all a very sensitive topic to discuss among races here in this country. 

What is the Malaysian Heritage? Here at the course which I'm attending, foreigners smile and say to me, " Ah you're from Malaysia. Malaysia truly Asia right?" I look at them, and i cannot answer... The road is long to that slogan.. And i am waiting for the day i can nod my head with a smile.

Part of Nature?

I am still here in Chiang Mai for my peace studies course. And i believe the main reason i am homesick just purely 2 weeks into my course is simply because it is Chiang Mai, not Geneva. :P

The group of participants for this peace studies course is like a melting pot. There are chatterboxes with extreme antics, mothers who fuss over everyone and everyting, fathers who frown upon everything they wouldn't expect their daughter to do, people who spray perfume as if they need to disguise the smell of just falling out of the dumpster, women who are so egoistic you swear they had a sex change, men who pretend they are not married, journalists who talk and talk and talk but never listens, fiances who go around smelling people's hair, and people who complain bout everything from the food to the weather to the smell of the air. 

Sigh.....

One interesting thing that we all have in common despite our autonomy is that we are all seeking inner peace. Today we had an interesting "argument" about violence and nature. In this argument ( note i did not classify it as discussion ), we talked about quantum physics and how that can be applied to people and nature. Now of course, a few clowns in the class noted that we have to practice violence because look at Gandhi, he died in the end being murdered. And some others argued that the Quran says, "jihad jihad all the way". Now, i am no pro at quantum physics and nor am i any better in knowledge of Gandhi of the Quran, but there's one thing is know for sure. It is sure as hard as hell to be a peaceful person ( look at the greater good, choose of the lesser evil, meditate and see what your heart desires, and suffering is the way of life BLABLABLA) when you are living with 25 other individual characters from all parts of the world. 

I wish that besides being able to lecture from now on about the different theories to resorting to nonviolent peaceful interventions, i would be able to practise it myself. I have never been this short of patience and i blame it partially on my hormones. But one good thing that came out of the discussion today was the nature versus nurture theory of violence.

Some of my classmates agreed that humans are violent my nature, because being part of the bigger universe, every element and being has a violent nature. Some argued that Violence is something that is nurtured and humans innate nature would be compassion, more than violence. Some said that we cannot compare Humans to nature because human governs nature and nature is less violent than humans because the cows and the monkeys and the elephants do not have what we have, science, religion and technology. What is MY opinion? 

Well, i think there is truth in each statement yet not one statement is entirely accurate. The reason Humans govern over nature is because we have separated ourselves from nature. We are looking at it with superiority complex, even tho we cant even explain simply things like how baby turtles know where to head to when they are laid on shores and expected to return to sea without their mother's guidance. We cannot fully understand the workings of nature because we judge what is civil and what is primitive. 

As for violence, i believe that violence is nurtured. While there are arguments that animals display violent characteristics as well because they prey and hunt and kill, and natural disasters bring nothing but violent events, i believe that nature may come across as violent to us, but does not intend to be violent. Earthquakes happen because the earth's plates move. It is what they do, they move. And we experience the harm, simply because we are living on it. However, war doesn't happen simply because it is inevitable, it is always because of the higher power that one has over the other. It is driven by greed and the need to be territorial. Wars are never a product of  needs. It is ALWAYS a product of wants.

Only humans hoard. The rest of nature, take what they need when they need it. A squirrel hoards nuts to prepare for the winter and always has just the right amount till summer comes. We humans, believe that the more we have is better. We will never be happy with being sufficient, because sufficience does not give us power.

So the question really isn't whether we are part of nature or not because we have a more complex brain. It is more of whether nature thinks we are worthy to be part of them or not in the first place...

Out there somewhere

It's day 11  and i'm in Thailand. 

Today, the group and I woke up at 4am to drive to Mae Sot, one of the thai-burmese border for our exposure visit trip. It took us 8 and half hours by van to get to our destination. And to my surprise, Mae Sot is no less than a town. There is a Tesco, supermarkets, car shops, furniture shops and everything you can imagine it to have. To be honest, more than what rawang has.

So here i am, learning about the issues of Burmese migrants here, Not refugees, Migrants as well as assessing the situation they are in here. It was a shocker what services the NGOs are equiped with. NGO in Kuala Lumpur has lots to learn bout Thailand. 

If you ask any tourist, they would definitely proclaim Malaysia to be the more advance one compared to Thailand. But i guess we are grossly mistaken. This place where I am, is equivalent to what Kelantan or Perlis is. However, in terms of infrastructure, mentality and facilities, i have to swear that Thailand is more advanced. Bet you never thought that was possible right?

The roads are nicely lit, though half the time i travelled on the trunk road, there were streetlamps, proper 2 lane roads on each side, and petrol stations everywhere. I asked the people i met along the way during my stay here, and to my surprise, not just in Bangkok, but regular Thais are earning well, pay lesser taxes than we do, and have more access to great infrastructure without having to pay for killer tolls outside of Bangkok. Now this is one government who is definitely pro-people first, before being pro-money. I have to applaud their efforts. 

Now i am not saying that the Thai government is flawless, because that would just be a lie. However, put aside all the flaws that Thailand and Malaysia may have, and Malaysia will lose hands down. 

For example, i visited a clinic today for Thai migrants. In thailand, there are refugees and migrants, both from Burma. Refugees live in camps, and migrants, cross over the border for medical services and better jobs. The thai government is quite tolerable towards the migrants. Although there are bribery's going on here and there, the sums asked for a reasonable and more humane compared to the way WE are dealing with the problem. 

We could take a lesson or two from our neighbour. 

Tomorrow i will be exploring more of Mae Sot. I cant wait. But gosh i wish there would be rainfall. The weather here is literally "to die in". Garrrrrr

More from me laters...

2nd day in Bangkok

So this is the second day i'm here in Bangkok, well to be precise, i'm at Nong Chok, 45 minutes away from Bangkok city. There is Air conditioning ( not that it is a problem whether there was or not ), clean water but cold ( a wee bit of a problem ), good thai food and a great place to learn new things that i can proudly bring back to share with my Organization. 

My only complains, which might seem mundane, is that i have a roomie that has body odor. See, i shouldn't be complaining about stuff like this, but in an Air conditioned room, which an additional fan which circulates, every 3 seconds, a get a wharf of armpit odor. And it antagonizes me, makes me sick to my stomach, and gives me a migraine. I smell it even when she is not in the room, and i understand it is not my place to comment on this. But if it affects me, the way cigarette smoke affects a person, how am i not to woe about it? I am not being judgemental, a smell is a smell. What can i do if i hate it????? In this case, i shut up. because she is a very nice woman and perhaps it is not her fault that she wasn't introduced to deodorant. Sigh..

Since yesterday, i have been having gravy and rice for all meals. Since i am observing my normal Lent abstinence tradition of being vegetarian, i am not complaining. The gravy is good and rice never tasted so tasty. But today, the organisers realised what i've been putting on my plate so they decided to get the kitchen to whip up more vegetables without any meat for me.. That was an extremely sweet gesture. So guess what, i scoop a big portion of veges onto my plate and as i was heartily eating while picking out the spring onions and leeks that was in the vege ( which i just don't like), guess what i found????? A mother fucking big caterpillar which was now orangy since it was laden in some chili gravy. I immediately had to stop the food from revolting out of my stomach and push the rest of my food onto the caterpillar so that i wouldn't look rude for complaining. Talk about experiencing thai food ay?

So well, regarding my day's worth of class. It was extremely exciting. We've all been assigned to which area we'll be going for exposure visit and i have chosen the Maesot area ( border of thai-burma). Well, i did ask the readers opinion, but i guess it's been a busy monday so no one responded to it. So, this will be an extremely exciting trip for me. I have no idea what to expect, perhaps more sufferings and sadness, but like i mentioned, it's an exposure visit and what better way to learn more about the work i am doing. I am really excited to leave for this trip. 

Well.. till then.. that's update for day 2! Keep you posted soon!