Motherly Love...

I watched the crying screaming salivating toddler with antipathy. And I wonder if I could ever be a loving mom. But the answer is already there isn't it?

No I am not married, or pregnant or having a baby anytime soon. But I know all about motherhood and how to be a nurturing caring mom. I have had "furkids" for the past 10 years, nurturing them back to health, making sure they get the best I can give them, and moulding their character into the talk of the town.

If you think about it, puppies and babies aren't that far apart. They're both helpless and cry out for attention alot. They both need cuddling, and potty training and great care. They both need endless sleepless nights of bottle feeding. Besides the fact that a dog grows out of its tantrums earlier than a human child, and you don't really have to save a college funds, they're really not much different. Just more fur and a kid who never talks back.

Over the weekend, B* and I buried yet another one of our kids. Lassie was 9 years old, a beautiful German Shepherd who gave us many beautiful puppies. She was fierce in spirit and in nature, but a loving dotting mother who always put up with her "kids" antics. She died of complications of heartworm and a massive spleen tumor. Even in her last moments, she was still strong and comforting to the ones she was leaving behind.

So yes I think I will be a great doting mom. I already am. I don't have to have a human "child" to learn to be a great mom. We humans, could do with learning more from animals when it comes to motherly instincts. After all, among all beings, we're the only ones who needs a manual on how to not kill your own baby. :P

Rainbows versus Bows and Arrows

Oh yes, we've heard about this for generations now, Men and women are different poles of the world. But yet, like opposite sides of the magnet, we're drawn to each another,for some sick cosmic reason. For women, I guess it's the challenge of meeting someone so different from yourself and the whole romantic paradox of "opposites attract" and finding victory in molding them according to our ideals. For men, it's the thrill of getting into another's pants where you won't find the similar looking genitals. In other words, in general, we're attracted to the pain of making things work.

It is a normal thing for couples to squabble and claw through their relationship, and yet make up at the end of a stumble. But alas, women and men look for very different apologies and defines forgiveness in different ways.

So to all testosterone driven creatures out there, I may not know what rocks your boat, but I sure as hell know what a woman want.. And here it is.

1) Never leave an unresolved issue until the next day. Some women are tolerant for a maximum of 48 hours. After that, if they act irrationally, it's all your fault for not talking about it in the first place.

2) "Let's talk" always work. It shows a woman you are interested in making things work. Well yes it might be painfully boring to hear her drone on and on over what you did wrong and why she was hurt, but who ever said you had to "really" listen?

3) Just be there - If she needs you, do not give suggestions. Hugs and and "clarifying questions" such as "What do you think you need to do?" is suffice. Do not preach about what you think she should have done, even if you are right, unless she asks for your opinion.

4) Sex is the best medicine - NOT... hey we're sad, not horny, keep your willies in your pants please?

5) Gifts - A thoughtful gift can sometimes melt the toughest heart. But gifts with no sorry, ain't a keeper dude...

6) Merajuking - (what's this in English?) - Merajuking among women are fairly normal, but not quite justified. Among men, it's just ugly and repulsive...

7) Lastly - Do not leave money under the pillow as a "please forgive me" plea! Thats what paying customers do for whores..

Ain't a Saint...Ain't going to be a Saint..

Look, I ain't the holy molliest person on earth. I don't believe that God will punish you if you don't go to your place of worship regularly or sacrifice animals in memory of him on special religious occasions. I don't think that I need to wear accessories or dress accordingly so that people will know what religion I am of. I don't agree that converting people out of their faith to mine, will earn me more stars in my crown and earn me brownie points to heaven. I don't go around and evangelize, simply because I respect the greatest gift God gave us, freewill. I NEVER end a conversation/email/meeting by saying "God bless you".

I drink, I swear (alot), I am not religion-centered when it comes to my decisions, I'm conscience centered. I have no belief that any ONE church is the remnant church and I don't think that other religions other than mine are skewed. But I know one thing. I believe that he is  THE greater power above all beings.

I absolutely despise thread emails where people with no life expects us to forward it along after reading it. I despise it even more because they often use God as the pulling factor behind their worthless, brainless, superficial emails. I despise threads of stories where they use "cheating husbands" who reignited their love with their wives because they found God. That's not a blessing, thats a curse to their wives that they didn't make good riddance out of their straying men.

Don't ask me why I read them sometimes. I guess I just want to gauge how much more stupid people can get these days.

By the way, I also have no respect for women who stay with their cheating husbands or in a loveless marriage simply because their religion says "Marriage is forever". God gave you a brain for what??????

Contempt - A Dangerous word in Love

Familiarity breeds contempt, so we hear about it all the time...

Personally, I find the word "contempt" complex and impalpable. Ask me what I think lies behind the definition of the word "contempt", and my answer will be philosophies. It's way beyond my comprehension, too many extensions of definitions and just too thorny to waste my time deciphering. 

But I do know about contempt and love. I do know that contempt, is an dangerous thing to exist between couples. I do know that when contempt exists, it has way passed the stage of misunderstandings and resentment to a point of no return. And it's up to you to choose if you are going to walk away, or choose to be contemptuous towards the one you supposedly love for the rest of your days. 

Let's face it, as a woman, you will never get over the fact that your partner is not interested in frolicking with you in bed for months especially if you are living together. We women will never ever say it and mean it when we say it is okay if he forgets anniversaries or birthdays. Yes Valentines Day is over-rated, but a nice cozy snuggle on the couch watching your favorite black and white movie would be perfect. We will never get over the fact, that he "doesn't want to talk about your feelings" everytime you fight.  Women can't be frank about their feelings, only because men can't accept it when they are. So we worm ourselves around the topic, hope that a change of tone in our voice or the sudden plunge of enthusiasm would make them realise. I genuinely think that it's not that women are indecisive creatures. Perhaps we are complex and PMS-sy and sometimes feel sad/offended even when we say it is okay or "let's forget about it", but isn't that only sign that we are attempting to compromise, even if we don't do it very well or graciously? Men have no problem is indentifying these traits in women worldwide, and talk about it for decades. And yet they have a problem with compromising everytime some "predictable" women trantrum is thrown.. Sigh..

Men cheat when they are smothered with too much of love, women do it out of scorn and contempt..I remembered a friend crying to me and his other buddies over his cheating girlfriend. While he was pouring his sorrows over how much he loved her and the things he did for her, I could only think about how he deserved it, considering the times he's never let her express herself. I think My point is clear...

If you reach a point where you think that special someone doesn't deserve you, you are probably right. The fact that you think that way, means that the dent has turned into a black hole. Even if he reverts back into his sweet self, contempt is one of those things that cannot be reversed..

Don't tempt a woman's scorn.. It's the worst kind of fire you can possibly play with..

You picked the wrong person to cheat on, Harvey...

You always remember your first time.First times are special and leave a irrevocable memory and impression. It may be your first car, your first bike, your first kiss, your first couch, your first "a-hem", or even... your first sound system.

I remember the very first time B* decided that it was time to buy a new flat screen LCD for his couch potato sanctuary. The cabinets were built, the space was rearranged, carpets cleaned, surfaces polished. SO for the next one month, we marched in and out of appliances stores to check out the most cost-worthy tv that was to take throne at his sanctuary. Finally, he decided on the model and size, and what would a lovely big tv mean without a good surround sound system? However, since his new one eye monster took up most of his budget, he decided upon a rather sleek classy looking LG 6 piece set of surround speakers.

The thing about men is, gadgets and electronics are like shoes and designer bags to us women. They become your pride and joy and you look forward to caressing them everyday ( whether it is the remote/ or for women, the fine texture and neat sewing of the bag) Not one woman i know would shrug it off if her Gucci bag's leather started peeling off after a mere usage of 1 year. Hell would break loose.

So after a year of purchasing both the items, one fine day, B* realised that one of his surround sound speakers was not working. Since warranty was for 1 year and we didn't buy extended warranty ( yes, these days you have to BUY warranty- they might as well say, buy at your own risk ), we had to hoist the 4 feet tall speakers into his backseat, and carry it to the store. It took us half and hour to fill in paper work, to check in the spoiled speaker. We were told that we had to pay for it. We took it with a pinch of salt, and left.

We were told that we would be called back after two weeks. After almost 2 months, not a pip of squeak from Harvey Norman. So we marched back to Harvey Norman Midvalley to check on the speaker. It took them more than half and hour to check where the speaker was. Finally, after pulling a fuss, the sales girl rolling her eyes at me as I raised my voice, they found the speaker in some nook and cranny of their store room, and told us that they had sent it back to LGfor repair, and nothing could be done about it. It was spoiled beyond repair. So B* asked, "what can be done then? Can we buy "one" speaker?" We were unceremoniously shooed away with cynical replies. They even suggested that we buy a new surround sound system again, because this one was gone for good.

I wasn't satisfied. There was no written report or account of why the speaker was spoiled. It wasn't about the money, or B* trying to be cheap. It was his right as a consumer, to be given an account of why a product could spoil right on the dot of when it's warranty ended. So B*'s uncle, who was a retired mechanical engineer, took the speaker home to attempt a repair himself. Ten minutes, and it was working the way it did when we bought it.

So what was wrong with the speaker in the first place? A wire fell out of place. That was it!!! 

So what really went down at this reputable electrical appliances store? Did LG pull a fast one on us, in hopes that we would be dimwitted enough to succumb to spending more money on a new 6 piece set? Or did Harvey Norman even bother sending the speaker to LG for repair as they claimed to have done. What's the point for buying appliances at a reputable store if their after sales service is comparable to any other dingy kampung shops?

I see it plain and simple. It's called exploitation. Very few people would question much when they are told that something is "spoiled beyond repair". This is called a scam. And this whole shebang, was to see how far we would go in terms of claiming our rightful consumer rights. It wasn't accidental that they didn't notice a wire fell out of place. It wasn't the possibility of an incompetent set of electricians that worked at LG. It was a plain simple feat to cheat.

Sorry Harvey, you picked the wrong person. I'm going to get you down, if it's the last thing I do!

My Portobello woes...

Recently, I've been trying out various organic restaurants. Frankly, there are only a handful in KL since most of them do not seem to be able to sustain in business long enough to see the returns. Organic food is hard to grow, as the absence of chemicals means a larger mortality rates among the crops and livestock, hence the big price tag on it.

But when it comes to good healthy fresh food, even with my meager salary, that is one thing i will not singe on. I believe in that wholesome food, is worth every extra penny. After all, you are what you eat. Nevertheless, being an enthusiastic cook myself, I am convinced that healthy food does not always have to take a back seat when it comes to taste and quality. Organic food does not mean, lesser tasty food. If I can do it at the privacy of my own kitchen, and have my guests rave about my food, I expect a certain deliverance of quality when I pay the extra buck at a reputable restaurant with trained chefs as the brain child behind the menu.

After reading reviews of the Yogi Tree in Gardens Midvalley, I decided to give it a go. With all the good reviews, they had to have something to offer. Sadly, I was grossly disappointed. Note, grossly...I had my first meal at the Yogi Tree 2 weeks ago and it was far from a pleasant adventure. Ambiance, check. Presentation, check. The rest, cross cross cross! And here is why I only decided to write about it now, and not right after my disastrous meal.

I went to the Yogi Tree with two other friends. After much coaxing and a recitation of supporting facts of the amazing reviews, they decided to give this place a chance. I ordered the Pesto Portobello pasta. When it arrived, we laughed so hard i think the waiter was taken aback with offence. See, anyone who knows what a Portobello mushroom is, knows that it is the size of a person's palm. Instead, I had a miniscule mushroom, ONE miniscule mushroom on top of my mountain of pasta. My "portobello" was the size of a 50 cent coin. I still gave it the benefit of doubt since it was organically grown, and I assumed it was smaller due to the absence of chemicals and pesticides. One taste however, revealed that my portobello tasted more like a button mushroom. I eat ALOT of portobello and I'm fully aware of what a Portobello mushroom is supposed to taste like. My pasta was lightly coated with what I assume was pesto since the dish was called "pesto Portobello", since i could hardly taste the basil. Bland and boring, I was disappointed. RM 22

B* ordered the Hainanese chicken rice. The chicken was bland with no taste of sesame oil. The rice, oily but tasteless, no taste of being cooked in chicken stock. The soup! Santa Maria, tasted like water. He couldn't finish a third of it without gagging, and swapped it with my equally bland Pesto Portobello Pasta. He reckoned that bland tasting pasta was better than eating chicken that tasted as if it was still clucking of the plate (not in a good way). RM18

Y* ordered the Full English Vegetarian Breakfast. Hers was the best of all, since you can hardly go wrong with canned baked beans and roasted tomatoes and mushrooms. Her scrambled eggs however, were soggy and pepper deficient.  Over all, nothing to shout about. RM 22.

Many people raved about the Yogi Tree's desserts. Since I did not order any, due to my deflated vigor of wanting to try any more of their food, I cannot comment.

So here's why I decided to blog about this today. The Yogi Tree had a full spread article today on The Star. Yes, it had good reviews again. But i was scandalized when I saw a picture of the very same Pesto Portobello Pasta which i ordered. The Portobello, was a huge succulent mushroom sitting on top of the bed of very green pesto tossed pasta.

I felt ripped off. My mushroom, was quarter the size of THIS one,

So here is what i don't get. How could a restaurant be commended for their food when they obviously served larger, better tasting portions to journalists and food reviewers? It doesn't take much skill to make food taste good. More often, it is just that restaurateurs cut back on raw materials to profit more. Bland food doesn't always mean its healthier. I didn't need the extra salt to make my food taste better. I am ranting because I was short changed, as a paying customer.

Maybe the chef was feeling a little under the weather that day. Maybe there was a huge mess up in the kitchen the very same fateful day I decided to give it a go...

Regardless, what baffles me most is whether Malaysians are becoming so Yuppie-fied these days that they rate any place with good ambiance positively, or is it just that Malaysians have developed very low expectations in terms of taste buds?

In an Eggshell

I was reading this forwarded mail today about Eggs . Yes Eggs, as in chicken eggs and I thought of a peculiar friend who once told me her family were part of the Egg club. And yes you heard me right again, there is an "Egg Club". I remembered asking her, what do the members of the Egg Club talk about or do when they meet up?
"oh, we talk about different recipes of cooking eggs, and try explain to the new comers that they whole "Too much eggs are bad for you" is a scam of the Poultry Corporate Agenda to get people to eat chicken instead of eggs."

Back to the article I was reading about, the author was talking the grossly misunderstood "egg-yolk" in the health market. If you look at the raw "eggy" facts, he is right, as it is true that Eggs alone, cannot cause you a roof hitting cholesterol. Eggs are WAY WAY healthier than having a bagel or a slice of wholewheat bread.  But we don't JUST eat eggs alone, do we? An average American eats at least a whole pizza a month. A regular American, eats fast food as a meal at least 4 times a week. As for Malaysians, a packet of Nasi Lemak contains the same amount of calories as a regular slice of pizza. And two slices of wholemeal bread contains the same amount of carbs as two slices of white bread, just with more fibre content. So is eating a full egg or two for breakfast daily, with the cholesterol ridden yolk everyday a good thing, considering that while we might eat healthy for one meal of the day, and binge on other meals?


This is what I think, he obviously had no right to send out a public message stating that the cholesterol in egg yolk is not detrimental if over-eaten as he was not a medically trained professional. The author is merely a "Certified Nutrition Specialist" and a "Personal Trainer". So I googled his qualifications and realised that, to be a certified Nutrition Specialist, you don't need to be medically trained. In fact, the course encompasses subjects such as preventive nutrition, digestion, metabolism, macrobiotics, soil ecology, herbology and biochemicals, herbs and vitamins and minerals, AND it only takes a person with no prior pre-requisite educational background to complete the course and gain certification in 26 to 76 weeks, depending on the depth a person wants to go into while getting his/her certification. SO, it is safe to say that "Nutritional Specialists" are not specialists at all. They are like beauticians. Beauticians are not dermatologists. They have the raw facts, but they do not study the interaction of human body and chemical and substances and is therefore, NOT qualified to give a professional opinion.




What about the people who work out? Do they get to binge more than the others? The thing is, everyone's body's chemical composition of hormones are different. Some of us have bad fat-hording genes, some have better. Different people have different metabolic rates and there is not one diet plan which is the most healthy and best suited for all age groups. In fact, talking about age groups, let's not forget that age, BMIs, racial genetic composition and gender plays a part in how your body stores fat and where it decides to store fats. Point being, a personal trainer is just a personal trainer. He can guide you and assume you fall within the bell curve, but only you, who are the only one who's fully aware of what you put into your mouth can decide on the proper strategy to lose weight and eat healthy.

A to maintain a healthy lifestyle, only you can experiment, research and decide what's a "proper" diet for you. The next person who can help you? Is a medically trained dietitian, not a bogus "certified nutritionist" or a "personal trainer" from somewhere.




However, a few things can help if you are on a weight loss, get fit regimen.


1) Lean white meat
This means either fish, or lean pork, turkey or chicken breast. Eating wings or drumsticks or the thighs, the yummy part of the good ole chicken means that you are also eating ligaments, tendons, and animal fats which are hidden in between layers.


2) Steam, bake, minimize gravy
Sometimes I see people on diet eating large portions of rice with gravy of meat cooked in. This is the thing, balance is everything. You will be getting more protein, less fat, by eating the meat, rather than eating carbs and gravy. They may look less rich, but they are definitely more ladden in oil and cholesterol and salt and sugar. If you are going to have fried chicken, you might as well have the skin as well, because it is already suicide to your diet.


3) Vegetarians are thinner?
Yes and no. If you are going to cook your veges beyond recognition, all you will get is fibre and carbs as the end product. Vitamins and minerals perish in long cooking/high heat. Also, vegetarians who do not take more tofu, beans and lentils which are their only protein, tend to get even fatter than they were, and also weaker. Your body needs protein, and when it doesn't get enough protein to build muscles, it captures whatever fats and converts carbs faster into fats as storage so that it can release sugar when you are low in energy. If you are on a vegetarian diet, then you should be loading up on protein more than carbs to keep you healthy


4) I work out, so I can binge
False, If you are going to run the threadmill for an hour, burn 500 calories, and then binge on a nasi lemak with fried chicken, you have just worked off 3/4 of your nasi lemak, and nothing else of your fat storage. Counting calories may seem destitutional and a form of obsession, but it helps you get onboard on that healthy path, sooner, easier.


5) Cook your own food.
Cooking your own food is a great way to cut back unhealthy food. It wasn't until I started learning how to cook from my mother did i realise how much salt,sugar, and oil was used to make that perfectly tasty curry! If you are conscious over what you put into your food, you would think twice to eat out often. You could also monitor how much of what you eat, and not just finish up portions served outside that might be too big for you for the mere sake of being prudent.


6) Lastly, moderation
A bite of cookie, 5 pieces of fries, or a scoop of icecream isn't going to upset your diet. A big plate of ceasar salad, large plate of healthy tossed pasta and vege in olive oil or a whole meal sandwiched with processed turkey/ham slices IS going to upset your diet. Bulk is never healthy, even when it's healthy food. Eat in moderation, smaller meals, more times a day, and count those calories.


It's the 21st century.. take charge.. Use Google to your advantage for God's sake without relying completely on pigeon looking trainers. It is always alright to question, if even if it is professional help. It is when we don't question, is when we're ignorant.

Heaven on Earth

As much as I love the city and its toxic fumes and never sleeping technicolored lights, the jungle does something funny to me.

Some people ask me, how do you do it? Well they mean, you look like a pampered city girl, why would you go into the jungle, get muddy,trek, sweat n suffer. And some friends I quote, say that, "Holidays are only holidays when it comes with a big comfy bed".

I was always a nature person. I remembered my father teaching me how to climb coconut trees and rambutan trees whenever we went back to Mersing, my grandfather's place, which was considered "jungle" enough for me. I used to pick up tiny flowers, watch the trail of ants with enthusiasm, and wow over new discoveries that I found lying in the scrubs. While my cousins would pluck the flowers for Masak-masak adventures, I was out there smelling the roses, and advocating that roses belongs on their stems, not in out make believe kuali.

 But I must admit, that walking inside a 130 million years old virgin rainforest, is a whole different feeling. It brings serenity, tranquility and yet exhilaration of what you might discover next. Your heart breaks along with the thousands of species living in the jungle as you watch logging tracks being formed and homes being taken up by trucks and tractors. Your heart skips a beat when you witness the priceless phenomenon of more than 150 Hornbills soaring in the sky together. You trek in the depths and ignore your irrational fear and mental protests of leeches just to see a blooming rare flower. You take every step with caution, noting that this land you are stepping on, is someone else's home. You squeal with delight just by coming across prints of animals living in the jungle, both prey and predators co-existing together in harmony, sharing the same source of hot springs. You wonder how a home which houses thousands of species, which is equivalent to human "races" can co-exist in an area for millions of years, and we, a country of less than 10 races, is constantly fighting to gain racial supremity, and can't learn to give and take. You wonder why humans would choose to destroy an area which is so close to our idea of what "heaven" is.

The rainforest is a place where miracles are alive. So if you think you need some miracle in your life, you might want to take a few days, breathe the freshest air in our region's largest carbon sink, and you could just amaze yourself with how much you could fall in love with it after all.

Little Fluffs of heaven

The obssession is back. Yesterday, Chatty K texted me, "Guess what's in my car?" I started flabbergasting and felt sweat trickle down my back.

No it wasn't a cute puppy. No it wasn't SLASH, though it could have been since he was in town for concert last night. I did consider Jeevan in a snide way, because she said "what" and not "who". The only time Chatty K would refer to a person as an object is Jeevan. Sorry, no offense dude..

I was right, her brunch trip to see her french chef friend, meant french macaroons!. Glorious crispy fluffs of heaven. So Chatty K resumes to spoil my day by changing her mind every few seconds to whether she would come by and pass me my macaroons. And then she proceeds to test my patience by informing me that she has "shared" my macaroons with some people and popped a few in her mouth. She then insults the macaroons! Biatch... by saying they weren't that great.

9.30pm was hard to wait for. She finally pulled up, and I skipped towards her like Merry Lou and gasped at what she was holding. It wasn't 1, or 2, or even 5 macaroons. It was 12! The macaroons had feet ( tiny jagged edges), I smiled.. I took a bite, crispy yet light as air on the outside, sweet and tangy and soft on the inside. No eggy taste, perfectly shaped dome, pretty feet, ganache made with real vanilla beans! I was in heaven.

SO here's the thing. I gave up making macaroons about months ago. After my almost 40 odd failed attempts, I grew tired of scraping them sticky failures off my pan, wasting baking paper, and i told myself. They were JUST cookies, I can live without them. I was bitter because there is not one thing i cannot learn how to cook. And this little buggers, wouldn't even rise and look anything like how they were meant to look like.

After my salivating affair with Fred's macaroons last night, and Fred generously offering to give me a class on how to make perfect french macaroons, I'm back with a reignited passion more than ever for these bite size fluffs of heaven.

Moon oh Moon...

Where is unhappiness?

 Even if you are out of this world I say..

Take the Moon for instance,

It is sad, It is unhappy,

Why you may ask?

The moon is the unhappiest of all,

Simply because it hates the sun. 

It hates the big blazing hot sun, 

It hates that the "sun" is power and might,

It hates the smooth light emiting surface of the sun,

It hates the craters that are instead, on its face.

It hates the fact that when there's sun, there cannot be moon,

But most of all,

It hates that the one thing it hates the most, 

Is the only reason why, its existence is made known.

Because without its worst enemy,

Lending light to it,

We will never see the moon,

And never know that it watches over us, 

As we sleep at night. 

(I changed little bits and pieces but Thank you Bernard, I loved this...)

The Pain of the Street

One of my favorite books of all time is "The Busy Life of Bees", but not for the obvious reasons of why this book was a best seller. I remembered a side-kick character in the book, May Boatwright who was a frail woman with the greatest intentions in the world. She was seen as sick, with a mental disorder, manic depressive, and unstable. She carried the weight of the world's sufferings on her shoulder. She felt every pain, agony, and suffering her peers felt. She would sing when she was depressed, and had her very own "wailing wall" to pay tribute to the people who have suffered in this torrential world. She was considered, abnormal. She eventually took her life as she could not bear the pain that was surrounding the world.

Why is it abnormal to feel the pain that the world feels? Why is it normal to be detached from the world's sufferings. Just because it has nothing to do with our personal life, does that really mean that we are over reacting when we feel rage towards injustice, and agony to watch children and people suffer at the hands of inequality? Success is measured by money and fame, and not good deeds. What a sick world this place is.

In many ways, May Boatwright was my favorite character because I understood how she felt. The helplessness of not being able to do more for the ones who were suffering. The physical pain that felt so real, so deep when you can do nothing to help another person cope with their struggle. As K* was telling me about her social outreach yesterday with the street kids of KL, I wondered, how do I sleep at night knowing that there's nothing that I am doing to help these children. How do the nation of this country go on enjoying their daily comforts of a clean warm bed, knowing they're children out there, living for the day, living for the moment. Well, I didn't sleep that night, nor the night after, at least not in peace..

I want to let you in on a little secret. Amidst our hustle and bustled lives, we walk past people in need every day without even realising the ones in pain, are extending an arm to beg for a thread of our charity, or a second chance. In the heart of KL, where socialites and yuppies feed their weekly need to party, lies a group of kids who have been surviving the only way they know how, being at the mercy of drug syndicates. These kids come from broken homes, some kids don't even remember where they came from. Some kids are preparing for motherhood, fostering a new generation the only way they know how, to continue living in abandoned projects, burrowing holes in the grounds to keep away from local authorities and larger syndicates who might force them into more venomous trades than they are already in. These kids are not only matted by dirt, they have lines on their face, any teenager should not have. They will eventually become what we call "social garbage". They are Malaysians.

For the many people out there who do not know know of this. It might come as an initial shock, but this will eventually become another one of the world's woes that they would shrug off their conscience. For the people who work in the social work line, they say, what's being done for them, is all that can be done for now. For other people who are aware of these predicaments, they say, but the kids are incorrigible and are too damaged to be saved. For the social welfare and local authorities who are weeding out the kids and sending them to rehabilitation centres and social welfare home where their stay has an expiry, they say, there's too many out there, we're doing our best, we lack resources, all in the name of just arresting (note: not rescuing) them to fill in their quotas.

As we, the everyday people, think about prince charmings, that new bright shiny car, our future houses with white picket fences, and the deciding on the right time to churn out more children to live in this world, we never really stop to think twice do we? What about giving second chances? There's nothing wrong with wanting material stuff and yet allocating some space in your life to make a difference in someone else's who is in need.

So here I am, feeling a fraction of what May Boatwright felt, using this blog as my wailing wall, and singing along to sad tunes on the radio while I drive so that I can relieve some sort of pain. Am i weird to feel the pain of strangers unrelated to me? Maybe.. For what's worth, I'd rather live a life caring, than a life ignoring....

Tell them I was Happy, And my Heart was Broken, All my Scars are Opened..

People say that happy times will come and go, but betrayals are there to stay.. They lay dormant in the nook and crannies of the cracks of your mended heart and slitter out to infect you with pain and sorrow whenever you are vulnerable.

I guess in everyone's lifetime, we have been betrayed before, in one way or another, whether it is a betrayal of a friend, or betrayal of trust by your parents, or the betrayal of a loved one whom you call your own, the scar is there and the truth is, the greater the magnitude of the betrayal, the more often the occurrence of future betrayals.

It's a sick cycle isn't it? What I think is that it can also lead back to the theory that sometimes when we are overly careful, we might be unconsciously plotting our own downfall. It's like being overly careful when you slice a tomato with an extremely sharp knife. As you take caution in every slice, fear populates your mind that you might hurt yourself.  The fear that populates your mind takes up all the space in your mind, and you let your defenses down, because you are crippled by the fear of slashing a finger. Soon, thats all you can think about, the fear, and slacken your grip on the actual intention, which is to be careful in the first place. Before you know it, your worst fear happens, you've been cut, without even realising it.

In my opinion, thats how it is with surviving betrayals. For people who have gone through multiple betrayals, the fear of going through another is so crippling that they either try to hard to ensure it doesn't end up that way again, or throw in the towel and hope for the best. They can do everything in their might to make different choices than the previous choices taken to avoid betrayal, but the fear is still there. The same, good ole fear.

When I used to trained bantered victims of Gender Based Violence on Coping Strategies for Abuse, I went by one single question. Is it really alright to tuck your unhappiness in a box and store it away? My answer is yes, but whats more important is the reason you are tucking the bad memories away for. Do you tuck it away, to try forget it ever happened, or do you tuck it away as a past chapter of your life, but with full acknowledgement that you are at ease with this bad memory that has happened to you?