Jigsaw Me

Someone once told me, life is meant to be a "china-made" jigsaw puzzle. Just when you think you are about done piecing them together, you will inevitably find one piece that just does not fit.

I've spent the whole year, trying to piece my life together. Deciding which piece goes where, and trying to squash in pieces that just did not make the cut for my picture perfect life. And yet till today, I am forced to resign myself to the fate that I have single handedly crafted for myself, a less than picture perfect life..

Over the weekend, I met up with some of my best buds in college. The girls' night out seemed to be a perfect rejuvenation for my mundane life, but somehow, it didn't make me feel twice as good as I thought it would. I went home, laid in bed counting down the hours, and recollecting what I have made my life out of. The hardships never seemed to leave me, the joy was slowly seeping out of my skin, leaving worry wrinkles and crevices where they burned. This is it. I had to make it, or break it..

This is going to be a painful week. And  I hope, my silver lining will finally emerge, at the end of a very tiring journey...

The City Snob

I still can't grasp the concept of individualism. The concept of how you can't really live another person's life, and how everything and everyone around you is fragments of your world. You can't feel what they are feeling and you certainly can't walk in their shoes (not literally at least). The same way how empathy is just a concept which cannot be truly proven. Simply because, it is not humanly possible to truly feel, touch, smell, and understand how it is like to be another person. You can only go as far as attempting to comprehend and visualize.

As i stopped by to get my morning coffee today, a woman walking in my opposite direction towards me with tears streaming down her face. For a moment, i wanted to turn back and stop this lady to ask her if she needed someone to talk to, or offer to buy her a cup of coffee. Then again, i realized how weird i would look, randomly offering some kindness to a complete stranger. People don't do that in the city. You could be mistaken as a weirdo, or even worse, a con-artist who is scamming to prey on teary women.

So i didn't stop the lady, and walked on to get my coffee. Until now, i cannot get the thought of my mind, of how i had become another one of the walking-snobs-in-the-city who found minding-my-own-business a polite thing to do.

When did i become a city snob? Beats me....

Eat, Pray, Love

Before I buy a book, i shamelessly stand in Borders, reading at least the first 20 pages of the book. Being a fast reader, It would take me 15 minutes or so. The reason I do this is because if the first 20 pages does not arrest me, there is little hope that the next 200 pages will and hence, there is no use of adding a book I simply won't finish to the rest of my collection.

I must admit that Eat Pray Love, the book did not wow me. It was whiny, self loathing, and a journey of an American woman who's been too blessed to handle a few glitches in her life. I put down the NY Times Best seller back into its rack, and decided that it wasn't a good read. While i have no idea if i would have found the beauty of the book as many have raved about in the next 400 pages as others have, I must admit that the movie did do something to me. It might have been the cinematography, or the comic that sent me into fits of laughter, or just plain old gorgeous Julia Roberts and her spectacular acting, but serendipity as it was for me to watch it because I had no other options of greater movies to spend the last few hours of my weekend in, I thought it was a pretty decent movie, especially one involving a journey of self discovery.

As i watched the movie, I saw alot of myself in it. From struggling into jeans sizes I was "supposed" to be able to fit in, to eating and experiencing my food as an adventure itself, to the box she had that bear all her dreams of the places she wanted to go to but never had the time or opportunity to. I have to admit that I might not be able to feel her frustration of constantly finding something lacking in the relationships she was in, since I am in a pretty awesome one, but if i was in anything lesser than awesome, I would be the real life "Elizabeth Gilbert".

People judge people. It doesn't matter if you move to some foreign country to get away from the judgmental buggers, you will find that even strangers judge you and your choices in life. People of all walks of my life, tell me what they think I should do everyday. But nobody has asked me, "What do you want?" But this has got me thinking, if you keep living up to people's standards, you will come to realise at some point of your life that it just doesn't cut it. As crazy and unrealistic as your dreams seem to be, if you don't get it out of your system, you will never be able to find that "word" to describe yourself, because there will be thousands of what ifs. If you do not experience life the way you want to, your life will never be .. how do i put it.... 'your own'.

I find myself at crossroads these days. If you notice, the more i have on my mind, the lesser I write. It has nothing to do with me finding it too personal to put up on a blog read by strangers, it is more of me not knowing where to begin, or how to pin point the root of my disheveled mind. Because there is so much of unresolved needs i carry in my baggage, when I fall down and my baggage splits open, I find myself picking up the pieces, not knowing which is more important than the other to pick up first.

I've decided to pick up the book anyway, because maybe, maybe something in it might help me pick up the pieces. I might not have the money, liberty, and time to run halfway across the globe to discover myself the way Elizabeth Gilbert did, and i certainly have no intention of checking myself into an ashram, but maybe.. maybe.. I could at least finally find that word that truly defines me.

Effing Lemons..

If life gives you lemons, make lemonade.. What is you're sick of lemonade? What if you wanted to have grapes instead in the sweet valleys, or the sun sweet cherries of california.. So is this how we console ourselves when our plans unfold into something we never expected it to?

I'm 27. When I was 17, there were tonnes of stuff i swore to do by 21. Then when I was 21, I swore i'd accomplish certain things by 25. When I hit 25, needless to say i started believing that 27 was my year to sit back and bask in my worldly possesions and accomplishments.. Now that I am 27, I can't help but think, what if Life throws me lemons for another 10 more years the way it has for the past 10 years...

I sat down yesterday making a reality checklist.. The more i wrote and recollected, the more depressed I became. I'm not ungrateful and incapable of counting my blessings. But I am tired of lemons!

SO here are a few lemons that have come my way...

Travelling the world by 25
Needless to say, I haven't even travelled the region itself. Paris, Prague, Cape town, Kenya, New York, Budapest, I will try my very best to visit you by the time I'm 30!

Having a 10k saving per year.
From this, you can see I ain't much of a saver. So 10k a year seems reasonable. I've been working for 4 years, and besides my insurance and dilapidated house, I have no assets or savings to declare for a rainy day. So maybe 10k by the time i'm 29?

Own my own car!
Yes, I'm one of those women who uses my boyfriend's car. And doesn't offer to fill petrol for it. Well, I can't even afford the extra 200 bucks a month to fill petrol, I sure as hell cannot afford paying for car installments.

Get my masters
Who am I kidding, with my degree grades, I am far from getting a scholarship. Since I have no money stashed away also, I can kiss my Masters goodbye.

Pursue Piano
The one joy of my adolescence, was playing the piano. I was good at it, great in fact but I never pursued my diploma or teaching grade. I can't help but think that maybe if i did, I wouldn't be broke now. So before I get arthiritis, by 30, I will pick up piano again!

Get married
Who am I kidding, unless i'm a skank who expects my boyfriend to foot the entire wedding bill, I will not be walking down any aisle any time soon with the nil savings I have.

So here's my resolution, my last resolution. If i cannot find the means to make money by the end of next year, i will give up my passion, and live a life millions others are content living...

Effing Lemons..