My life as a social worker..

Over the past months, i have been wondering if i am in a profession which is suits me best. I am constantly moody these days, suffer from bad neck and back aches, insomniac, lethargic, edgy, find no time to groom myself, suffer from multiple layers of eyebags despite that SK ii miracle water i am using and most of all, can't find time to do the normal activities normal working adults at my age do. Watching tv is a luxury. Having a neat closet with clean clothes is a luxury. taking a long bath is a luxury, spending time with my loved ones is the biggest luxury of all which i cannot find time to indulge in.

For many other people who do what regular people do, whether it is working in an office, being a doctor, engineer, or running their own business, life seems simpler, and more clear cut. There are clear cut rules and regulations, they can anticipate the worst case scenario, and anticipate the possible solutions to their daily problems. Make no mistake that i am not trying to undermine what regular people do. I think everyone has a purpose and a form of contribution to the society they live in, be it big or small their contributions. I envy people who have that kind of job, because everything has a form of solution. 

Today, i was chatting with a friend for a brief 5 minutes, my luxury time to sit down and enjoy my cup of water without the phone buzzing away in my office. And i was relating to her why i felt stressed over the case of the 10 months old baby we couldn't find a viable solution for. The situation seems to simple for damage control. But the obstacles which seemed so unreasonable and ridiculous stood steadfast in our way. It pained me. It made me sick to my stomach that someone would treat a 10 months old baby this way and yet, i feel powerless though i try and try and try. 

She mentioned to me that what i was doing is great. (yeah right considering i am not much of a help) and that she could only imagine what i have to face everyday at work. That jocked up my thoughts, why should i feel so helpless when compared to the families of those who are more distraught in distress? Do i have the right to self pity myself over my powerless self? Maybe i am not doing enough, focusing too much on how it is affecting me. Bernard told me once that i should leave work at work. And getting too much into it will just break me eventually. Unfortunately, that is a luxury too! the simple at of leaving work at work. 

I know of many other people working for the government. And Non- Government-Organisations. Some seem happy after working hours, some have the luxury of leaving work at work. And i wonder, is it because i do not know how to delegate efficiently, or do i just have bad problem solving skills although i facilitate problem solving classes for the refugees? I am still finding that answer. 

I am faced with broken people everyday, knowing deep down inside that i won't be able to help 9 out of 10 of these people. Why am i still fighting this losing battle? THAT! i found the answer to.

I can pretend that the rest of the world is doing their best. And trying to make this country a better place. Be optimistic in life and assume that when things are out of control, i have already done my best. This way, a can live a long and fulfilling life, knowing that i have already done my best, and leave the rest up to God, the government, the system or whatever bullshit. I could be an average typical malaysian, who lives for my life only.

OR, i could be the one who doesn't walk away from other people's pain. Who strives non stop even when the situation remains hopeless. Who doesn't let fear and failure distraught me. Who is realistic and does not ignore situations just because it did not happen to me, and to somebody else. I could be insomniac, lie awake thinking of possible ways to do my job more efficiently and never give up. 

No one said it would be easy.. But i think i'd go with option 2..  :)