Where i began

As a walked out of the car, parked in a spot only one in a million is lucky enough to get, my nostrils are filled with the stale foul air which i have grown to resent. I then walked to a familiar place, to meet up with my friends for lunch. People i absolutely love to bits and pieces, but a sad realisation dawns on me, that this could be one of the last meals we'd have together in this mad town.. Throughout our conversations, i absentmindedly picked around my food, and when one of them had to rush back to office, i felt a tinge of jealoust.. i missed it.. I missed rushing back from lunch for work. I missed having work to do..

I walked into the place where my life practically began, and looked at the familiar faces. As i walked up the steps, i wondered if i was still allowed to so carefreely scoot up the spiral staircase, since i officially don't belong there anymore. Everything was so usual, as if i was a passing shadow.. It felt so natural to be there, but yet there was a loss dawning on me.

Here i am now, in the office that i grew to love. Despite the regular staircase resident druggies, despite the filth, and the cockroaches, despite the stale smell of wet carpets and the floor which is filled with grime and God knows what other micro-inhabitants.. I walked into the training room, and i saw myself.. or rather, an image of myself..i was a scrawny younger looking girl, i remember the striped black shirt and the stripe skinny pants i wore with my bright yellow loafers.. I saw myself, standing there, talking and engaging the crowd.. i remembered the faces of every single person who attended my first training session.. the little ten year old boy who sat next to his father with spikey hair who was animated and interested in what i had to say.. but it was a memory..

As i sit here in this empty office, alone for the very last time.. i wonder what is to become of my life. What will i blog about, will i ever speak of my job in such charasmatic passion ever again to people i meet, will i ever go to sleep at night thinking of what other ways i can make a difference in at least one person's life, will i have the conscience to know that i have done well today, will i hear the common phrases and sounds my colleagues used to make when they are angry, frustrated, happy or surprised.. Will i wake up with a new found faith each and every day as i did for the past two years. Albeit the frustrations and anger i would sometimes have in the organisation, would i be able to ever stand tall again and say, "this is what i do for a living!" with a smile on my face?

I can't help the weak tears rolling off my cheeks and im almost embarassed if i were to be found this way by anyone.. But this, here, in the midst of the most dirty and crowded and twisted area of the city where no one would want to work at, this is the place where my life began. And this is where it will possibly end.

It feels as if a part of me died.. I can visualize a coffin where i am laid to rest and burried and forgotten. I can see how my life would never be the same again. That i would say " work was great or okay" and have nothing more to say ever again. I can see how the passionate part of me will disappear and i can expect to miss the foul fumes of this area that made me who i am today.

This is where i began.. And this time, for real, I'm bidding farewell to this chapter of my life.. It will be my first love and never forgotten. And i regret all good things have to come to an end..