Its all about me

I believe that i have somehow fallen into the black hole of being in a comfort zone again. Without realising, i have somehow gotten a notch too comfortable with my pathetic routined expected daily life. There is only certainty in my life, no surprises or potholes. I pretty much know where i will end up or which street i'll take. Now don't get me wrong, i may like to consider myself as a planner, a controller of my own ocean and universe. Yet i adhere to everything people say. I am governed by rules, expectations, wants, and needs of those around me. I am not the master of myself. So the predictability of my actions are really not my own initiative or wants. I am predictable in a way where i will not resist what people want me to do. In simple words, i don't have an option of having my own opinion.

Today i did a personality test. Now i don't really know the credibility or validity of this test since it was formulated by a lecturer whom i know nothing off in  terms of reputation. But to my surprise, i was a controller, a seeker of greater heights and a activist who will constantly challenge the readily available solutions. How can i be all of these if the image i see in the mirror everyday is someone who my peers expects me to be, and not who i expect myself to be? I am beginning to believe that i have fallen into the comfort zone of ignoring my own expectations as a human being. I am not the fiery, passionate, energy-sodden young lady i once thought myself to be. I am no longer independent of myself and my own actions. I am shameful of everything i expect to achieve and somehow believe that at the expense of realising my dreams, i will be a selfish person to my loved ones.

I think i've reached a threshold in term of conformity. And to hell with those who don't understand what i'm trying to say in this piece, because i truly understand every word i'm typing now. I am being the most truthful i've ever been with myself right now. 

I want to travel, i want to be recognised for my achievements, albeit the amount that i can count with fingers on one hand, i want to travel, see the world, experience culture, pain, life, love, hopes and dreams of strangers i've never known all my life. I want to be sodden in a sea of uncertainties, and yet be certain that i will find something valuable out of it. I don't want money to govern my life, yet be free of the burden that the lack of money brings to myself. I want to have my way, and decide, and be free-spirited. I want changes and to give mundanity a one way ticket out of my life. I want to be appreciated, not only for what i am capable of, but also as the person that i am. I want to be serenaded by nature, by people. I want to be celebrated. I want to be able to do more than what i am doing now.