Adult's blues

Last weekend Kathy and I made our way down south, to Jakarta. It was a good trip i suppose, considering the volcanic crater we visited was a sight to behold and the shopping that was dirt cheap and satisfying to the core! ( say can take the meaning of spending millions in a day literally)

 

HOwever, this blog will not be about jakarta. I will put up pictures and write a piece on it soon, but just not now. Somehow, i don't feel very enthusiastic about writing bout a place which gave me the worst cold-fever-cough which im still recovering from this very moment, worst airport treatment and biggest credit card bill ever.. well, not yet at least..

 

I realised recently more people are following my blog. It's comforting as in comparison tofriendster or facebook, my real friends are actually interested in hearing what i have to say or feel, real friends that go back way to school days, and other whom i've got to know through the blogging world. The feeling of having someone check out your blog is like comfort food. At least you know they're more interested in  keeping up with what you've been up to, rather than how you look or simply to add you to the popularity list of other friends and acquaintances they have. They want to hear you, not merely see you..

 

As i browse through my friend's blogs yesterday, i came across a devastating news from an old time friend. Her father had passed away last month and i had only come to know of it yesterday. I immediately called her and offered her my condolences, not sure how to thread in my conversation without reliving the pain and loss. I felt guilty for not reading her blog earlier, or to call her to simply catch up because I've been having this nagging feeling of meeting up with her more than 2 months now. 

 

Today we had lunch, coffee and had a small chitchat. And i missed having real conversations with people that mattered to me. I had a good time catching up with her and most of all, i was deeply moved by her strength and optimism in spite of losing her father.

 

The loss of loved ones is an inevitable rite of passage for everyone. I could call it a preordained event rather.. It is not uncommon, yet no one can fully prepare to be unhurt from this natural occurrence. 

 

Emma said to me " We know our parents will leave one day, but just not now, you really cannot expect it, and although we know that it will happen eventually, the pain is nothing like how you can imagine or prepare yourself to be,"

 

Losing a loved one is a scary thought. As humans, we rely so much more on human relations. So much which hence came along the saying, no man is an island. Especially when you pass the phase of wanting a large group of friends. At this point of my life, i have very few, but very dear friends, and my family of course. 

 

People often confuse individuals with lesser friends to be more independant. Truth is, the lesser people we have around us, the more dependant we are on that few relationships that exist. Why is it that we can anticipate anything that comes our way, but the demise of a loved one? Beats me. God's cruel joke of punishing us for the free will he had granted only to us, and no one else in the universe i guess so. As i was talking to Emma, i found out more of my friends had lost their parents recently. And it scared me greatly. Because i know that i for one, am not prepared and strong enough, and will probably never be.

 

If i should lose my parents at any juncture of my life, i will unfortunately only be more dependant on those still around me. And it's not as if i had not grown up to be more matured and self sufficient. It is just something i cannot accept and almost resentful over my non-existant control to change fate. 

 

I simply can't wait for Christmas. This year, it will be just my mum, dad, two dogs and me.. I can't wait to have our traditional christmas eve quarrel which I’ve always dreaded and make up on Christmas day. Because one day, i will miss it i know. I can't wait to spend time with them and try and be an understanding daughter for once at least. My mother will turn 64 this December. She is not old and frail, but it scares me still. I want my mother to give my kids their first whack, their first lesson. I want my kids to sit on my dad's lap while he plays "this little piggy" on their toes the way he used to with me and all my cousins, i want to be there, and for once, i want to just be with them.