Home: Day 1

I sat in bed till 3am yesterday, thinking.... Wondering what is my plan B should either one of my parents pass on.. It's morbid, It's scary but it's something I have to start planning for, even if it's probably something that will happen only in 10 years time..

I have plans. A plan of being paid well for what I do. A plan of climbing the ladder. A plan of moving to a colder country. A plan of owning my own restaurant and being happy doing it. A plan of having a house where Piggy can have a lawn to bask in, instead of basking behind my dilapidated blue suede couch. But all those plans are constantly on a halt, or not doable because of responsibilities.. In short, being an adult sucks...

I am thinking of a time where I lived and planned my life without having to consider those around me and how my decision implicate the ones i'm "responsible" for. In school, i studied hard to get grades to make sure my parents weren't ashamed by judging uncle and aunts. In pre-u, i dated a guy who wanted to plan my life and my future, and stood by as he imprisoned me in his fantasy world for 3 whole years. In college, i worked for money to sustain my monthly allowance, so that my parents wouldn't worry and so that I could make a trip halfway across to globe to visit a loved one. Needless to say, the trip never happened because i needed food more than a love affair holiday. When I started working, i working hard to pay the bills, provide for my family, sustain two households and a dog. 4 years down the road, I am still struggling, have no savings, and have people pressuring me to get hitched soon. And to date, I'm still left with nothing.

Yes I am spendthrift in one way or another. I like buying things for myself to soothe my self-loathing. Because thats the only way I know how to, since all my other plans are on a halt.  But if you look at it, what I spend on myself is hardly extravagant. Yes I like nice smelling soap and a haircut which doesn't make me cry everyday I look into the mirror. I love clothes because those are the small comforts I can afford to make me smile each day I look into the mirror. And no I'm not strutting Ferragamo or Gucci, so technically, rationally, I'm still being moderate.

I'm 27 and if i'm unlucky, I'm half way through my life. And yet, what have I done for myself? Nothing actually... Do i have a choice, not really either...

Being an adult, only child, NGo worker sucks somehow.. But alas, I'm not willing to give up the only one thing which is my passion. To work for a noble cause.. Because that's the only thing that keeps this pathetic life of mine going..

If there's anything i'm not, it's being selfish.. Maybe it's time to be more selfish, and live the life i always wanted to..