Much Ado About Nothing

My last few weeks have been a roller coaster... From work at its peak of "i have no time to eat" busyness ( if there's such a word ), to suffering an episode of food poisoning, to spending a huge fraction of my paycheck on a pair on jeans i don't fancy enough to have paid for its price tag, to dealing with family issues and personal issues.
Why is it that people are narcissistic? In that i mean myself included of course. When things sway away from perfection, we always feel like no one in the world could feel the way we feel at that moment. Sure there's people starving and children dying and plants and animals losing their habitats, but nooo....nothing else seems bigger than our problems.
I've realised that it all comes to coping strategies. No this is not a psychology preaching session but it's however true. And i can find no other way to explain this better. Many of us have different thresholds of pain. While physical pain can be explained ( the number of receptors amounts to the pain we feel ), emotional pain cannot be explained through chemical compounds. The ability to cope with a situation and having a level head is easier said than done. It has to be practised, which practically means (you need to go through alot of shit in life to be immuned to it).
I am an only child. Instead of counting my blessings, I've always reverberated the fact that all eyes and responsibilities fall on me, myself and I. I have a pattern or rather, a habit of using self-pity to explain my actions and use anger to deal with situations i cannot use the former to deal with. When i realised that my mum developed symptoms of Alzheimer's last year, i was strickened by fear. I kept telling myself to be nicer and have more patience. it wasn't difficult to be more patient, but the more patient i was the more the fact sinked in that the situation was for real. There was no way of repairing the situation or reversing it to the way it was, there was just accepting it and living with it. it wasn't something normal for me. Hence i gave up being nice. because it was just too painful. So i reverted back into self pity and hoped that through this, i would look like the victim here. That if i used anger to cope with the fear, instead of embracing it, i would not be frowned upon. Up till last week, stress got hold of me by my balls ( if i had any) and my whole world fell apart. i found it easier to explain why i felt that way if i blamed everyone else but myself. I blamed my mother for not paying attention to what i said, hence repeating the same question 5 times in a 15 minutes conversation. I blamed my father for being in denial of my mother's situation. I blamed Bernard for not being sensitive enough to the way i feel and kept himself busy on the computer instead of sitting me down and consoling me, i blamed money for being the issue where i couldnt spend more time with my parents.... Yes i felt as though the world revolved around me and that i was the only sad soul in this sickeningly jolly world.
When i woke up from the blaming game, grieve filled my could worse than i could have ever imagined it. And i realised that, learning psychology doesn't necessarily mean i could apply it. And i have been blaming all my life i've gotten used to shrink off all responsibilities of being a normal healthy person.

I've a resolution. I decided that i would at least try my best to stop the blaming game so that i could feel more at ease with my own actions. i decided to be more sensitive and take into account that the world does NOT revolve around me... It's hard... But i'm trying.. A bit too late? Well, at least i'm starting...