Coming of age

Every once in a while, i go on and on about how i've aged half a decade without even realizing it. There's so many things i want to achieve, experience, and own.

I woke up one Sunday morning and while lazing in bed and still half conscious from slumber, i was thinking to myself... "shit, i'm turning 25 next year,"

Then i finally yanked myself out of bed and while i was brushing my teeth and looking at myself in the mirror, i saw crows feet and triple eye bags underneath my eyes.. Something i never noticed before that was so prominently obvious. My mind started doing back flips. " did i just say i'm turning 25 next year? Shit.. I am 25 now. I'm turning 26!" A moment of panic, a few tears squeezed out, a slapped myself and told myself firmly, It's PMS...Ignore the thought!"

I walked to the kitchen, decided to fix myself a cup of green tea instead of coffee ( damn i need those anti-oxidants ) and plonked on the couch while Piggy perched on my lap like how a cat would. i turned on the tv, and there was some music videos aired. I furrowed my brow, and wondered, who the hell are these guys? I've lost touch of the clubbing life, i've lost touch of who's hot and not in hollywood and now i don't even know what songs are on top of the charts! Sigh.. age is closing in on me....

After taking a shower, i dressed up and headed for church. God knows i need some divine intervention for the way i felt that morning. Talk about waking up on the wrong side of the bed! I sat on the left hand side of the church as it was rather crowded. That's the area where mommies with toddlers normally sat at too just in case their little one decides to dawdle around or scream for not getting his/her way. It was an emergency exit for parents with rebellious toddlers. I never really thought kids were cute. I must have been spending too much time with my little niece. I was screening each of them, analysing their antics and what they would most probably do next. Maternal instincts literally kicked me in the face... I wanted to have one too... OMG.. that's an absolute sign i'm old!

Last year, i went through a panic attack when people started asking me when i was getting married. Aunties and uncles checking my hands to scan if there was a rock there that would inform them that i'm engaged. I told everyone firmly, i didn't want to get married soon, i'm not ready for children, and i still want to enjoy my youth...

Suddenly, in a week, I'm looking at babies... Gosh.. what's coming over me... i guess in some sense, i just need closure. Closure doesn't only happen when something ends, it can also happen when, for instance, a relationship moves to another level. It's like reading a sequel of books. You really can't move on to book three if you haven't read the ending of book 2.

Sometimes i feel that my relationship has moved to a stage where there's comfort and security. I no longer have to worry things might end cz we had a silly argument. But yet somehow, i just can't be sure of being secured because it's just a feeling, it has never been expressed by words. On some days i feel like the happiest woman on earth, On others, i feel like i've hit rock bottom.

I'm a vocal person. I'm animated and the old saying "actions speak louder than words" do NOT exist in my train of thought. I believe actions AND words are neccessary at all times.

Giving in to behaviors and rituals are easy in a relationship. After all, a successful relationship is all about compromising no? What about beliefs? Or our stands. How much should we defend our stands and principles in order to still be happy enough to give in, and still feel happy at the end of the day?

Beats me.... I'm hoping i'd find and answer soon...