Coming of age

Every once in a while, i go on and on about how i've aged half a decade without even realizing it. There's so many things i want to achieve, experience, and own.

I woke up one Sunday morning and while lazing in bed and still half conscious from slumber, i was thinking to myself... "shit, i'm turning 25 next year,"

Then i finally yanked myself out of bed and while i was brushing my teeth and looking at myself in the mirror, i saw crows feet and triple eye bags underneath my eyes.. Something i never noticed before that was so prominently obvious. My mind started doing back flips. " did i just say i'm turning 25 next year? Shit.. I am 25 now. I'm turning 26!" A moment of panic, a few tears squeezed out, a slapped myself and told myself firmly, It's PMS...Ignore the thought!"

I walked to the kitchen, decided to fix myself a cup of green tea instead of coffee ( damn i need those anti-oxidants ) and plonked on the couch while Piggy perched on my lap like how a cat would. i turned on the tv, and there was some music videos aired. I furrowed my brow, and wondered, who the hell are these guys? I've lost touch of the clubbing life, i've lost touch of who's hot and not in hollywood and now i don't even know what songs are on top of the charts! Sigh.. age is closing in on me....

After taking a shower, i dressed up and headed for church. God knows i need some divine intervention for the way i felt that morning. Talk about waking up on the wrong side of the bed! I sat on the left hand side of the church as it was rather crowded. That's the area where mommies with toddlers normally sat at too just in case their little one decides to dawdle around or scream for not getting his/her way. It was an emergency exit for parents with rebellious toddlers. I never really thought kids were cute. I must have been spending too much time with my little niece. I was screening each of them, analysing their antics and what they would most probably do next. Maternal instincts literally kicked me in the face... I wanted to have one too... OMG.. that's an absolute sign i'm old!

Last year, i went through a panic attack when people started asking me when i was getting married. Aunties and uncles checking my hands to scan if there was a rock there that would inform them that i'm engaged. I told everyone firmly, i didn't want to get married soon, i'm not ready for children, and i still want to enjoy my youth...

Suddenly, in a week, I'm looking at babies... Gosh.. what's coming over me... i guess in some sense, i just need closure. Closure doesn't only happen when something ends, it can also happen when, for instance, a relationship moves to another level. It's like reading a sequel of books. You really can't move on to book three if you haven't read the ending of book 2.

Sometimes i feel that my relationship has moved to a stage where there's comfort and security. I no longer have to worry things might end cz we had a silly argument. But yet somehow, i just can't be sure of being secured because it's just a feeling, it has never been expressed by words. On some days i feel like the happiest woman on earth, On others, i feel like i've hit rock bottom.

I'm a vocal person. I'm animated and the old saying "actions speak louder than words" do NOT exist in my train of thought. I believe actions AND words are neccessary at all times.

Giving in to behaviors and rituals are easy in a relationship. After all, a successful relationship is all about compromising no? What about beliefs? Or our stands. How much should we defend our stands and principles in order to still be happy enough to give in, and still feel happy at the end of the day?

Beats me.... I'm hoping i'd find and answer soon...

Revolving Doors

This is a possible book cover design for a book we're writing. It is called Revolving Doors ( not Materials for design, thats just a template). As the name of the book suggests, the book is mainly about real Burmese refugees in Malaysia experiencing the arrest-detention-deportation process. The book documents the suffering and pain refugees in Malaysia go through because Malaysians have denied them their basic human rights, some knowingly, some unknowingly.



This will be the first time i'm having a hand in writing a book. Not just any book, but a book that will hopefully create more awareness among Malaysians. I always thought writing a book is like blogging. Inspiration comes along and you just sit down and type away. Oh boy i was more than wrong.



Blogging is truly expressing what you feel, whenever you like it, in any format ( or not ) you'd like to write it in. Wherelse when you are attempting to Write a book, there's so many angles, do's and don'ts, contraints that you have to think about before stringing your ideas into passages.



I think i'd stick to blogging. There's too many issues on how to be politically correct since it is not fiction. While there will be a substantial part of the book which i contributed to, i hope that it will make at least half the impact i'd like it to make.



Somehow, i can't help feeling a little proud of myself... *grin*

WTF...Don't waste food?

I am annoyed. Because today someone told me i shouldn't waste my food when i left half of my nasi ayam. And when i went on FB, i saw some videos of children starving in africa and the message was don't waste food.

I WASTE MY FOOD. And no it doesn't make me less sensitive towards the starving children all over the world. Do you know why? Because when i tell people to serve me lesser rice, they ignore me anyways. When i tell people i'm full, they still force me to eat.

My point is my dear people... By sending out messages to people to ask them to stop wasting food, it doesn't make you noble or more humane. Because you are still not providing food to the hungry by You not wasting you damn food. You are not going out there to evangelize and do something bout hunger and poverty. You are not stopping monster companies from exploiting the poor nations by paying them pennies for the work they do. You do not make the hunger go away.

When you buy less food, there's simply more food in store and we do not go into a food crisis. When you waste your food, it goes into the bin, not into the stomach of the starved. So what's the difference. Whether you eat more, or lesser, or whether you eat left over food, or throw them into the bin, you're only saving your own health and pockets... It has NOTHING to do with helping those who are strickened with poverty or who are starving..

It is purely to ease your own conscience. So if you think about it that way.. You're pretty darn hypocritical and selfish aren't you? If you say that by wasting food, you are wasting God's daily blessings unto you, that i agree. But if you're saying that by not wasting food, you're indirectly helping the world combat starvation. You are grossly mistaken or unmistakable in denial.

Want to do something? Volunteer, give them food, money, help them plant their crops, Don't preach and forward useless mails and think you've done your work.

Helping others is not about you! Think about it, and please, rebut my opinion if you feel like it. All comments are welcomed.

Standing Ovation for the Final Goodbye

My only recollection of Heath Ledger was in "10 Things I Hate About You". He took my breath away with his pretty boy looks, charming cheeky smile, those curly dirty blond hair, and his accent. He was a "Drool" package.

Yesterday i watched The Dark Knight on the big screen. Well, main reason i wanted to watch it was not because i was a fan of Batman. I wanted to watch Heath Ledger in his final performance before his passing. And the verdict? Heath Ledger stole Batman's thunder...

Having a slight fever due to a vaccination jab i took earlier before the movie, i was edgy and freezing in the cinema while waiting for the movie. But it was worth it, it was a good movie and the "joker" kept me at the edge of my seat for that 2 and half hours.

I believe that this IS Heath Ledger's best performance ever! And ironically, his last... But what made me sad was, i sat in to watch the credits roll, as many others.. and no recognition was mentioned however, in respect of the deceased world's best played "Joker". Heath's psychotic suaveness had been swapped for tormented and reckless. And apparently unacquainted with the concept of moisturiser and shampoo. And yet... no recognition

When Brandon Lee played that Dumb movie "The Crow" and died while doing it, he was given recognition. But because Heath Ledger died of drug overdose, no praise, no mention, no glorification.

Sigh... The role of the "Joker" was said to be Jack Nicholson's most iconic role, but Heath Ledger took that prestige away from him.

R.I.P to the best played villain in the world

Bloggers on the watch

The following is a 25 July 2007 capsule report from CIJ, a SEAPA partner in Malaysia:

"In recent months, the Malaysian government's rhetoric on punishing "irresponsible" bloggers is being translated into reality. Websites and blogs have been targeted one after another, and on the flimsiest pretext. The axe seems to fall on a particular group of bloggers and online writers who take due precaution, including identifying themselves, moderating their postings and checking their facts. Their predicament challenges the government claims that these writers disseminate lies and rumours and calls into question the government's real motive.

All these blogs and websites share a common thread – they write about corruption and misuse of power by top leaders of the government."

http://www.seapabkk.org/newdesign/newsdetail.php?No=721

Above is an excerpt from an article someone sent me. One thought ran through my mind, fuck freedom of speech in this country... freedoms of thoughts could also get us into trouble these days.

It's alarming how we are not even entitled to our own thoughts. If someone publishes "statistics" that are ambiguous or incorrect, it is only normal that they should anticipate some trouble coming their way.. That's why research is important in the blogging world..

However, now as Malaysians, we cannot even say what we think. Even if we quote is under clauses and perfectly make it clear that it is our private self-generated "opinion". Because we have a "perfect" country, we must be wrong and hence receive punishment.

An entry that a fellow blogger wrote yesterday sparked an interest of mine. He had to reluctantly remove one of his post as it had caused mayhem among some students in the school he taught in.

I was wondering to myself. Why must we cave in to other people's perception on what we should think or write. Well, that's the correct thing to do of course, to minimize the harm that is already done. But what about what we think. It is bad enough we do not have the freedom of speech, now even our freedom of thought has a leash on it. Yes Malaysia, you're one step away from micro chipping us from birth and bugging every corner of our homes. Or have you already?

Even secondary school students are aware of the loopholes in our law to get us into trouble. WHat is the world coming to? or rather, what is Malaysia coming to?

As parents or parents to be, we should be aware of our rights to bring up the next generation. Otherwise, please don't have children. As a kid, i used to comment on the news when i thought something was clearly manipulated and plain bullshit. My parents used to tell me to shut up, otherwise i'l get charged under ISA. I used to laugh at their exaggeration. Of course being the rebellious child, i never stopped my habit on analyzing what i hear before determining whether it is true. That's why i landed in psychology and communications.

As an adult now, being in a profession where i have no choice but to question the efficacy of my country's law, i understand that my parents was right. A small absurd thing can get me arrested, they weren't trying to scare me, the absurdity is reality.

I cannot say for sure if i'd want to stay in Malaysia for good in the future. I always told bernard, I'm staying here because of two reasons. One is because i'm the only child to my parents, and secondly because i want to be a part in making Malaysia a better place. I was foolish and optimistic.

Now i'm resolved that i cannot stay here, and watch what the country is coming to, especially not having a chance to be a part to help change it. This is AGAINST my conscience. It's Malaysian culture to "close one eye" and i'm sure many of you will beg to differ to the way i think.

Especially if i have children, i will never allow my conscience to bring them up in Malaysia. I love the food, i love the culture, i love the people, i just don't like Malaysia's version of democracy..

One stop at Heaven

After the whole ordeal of losing Nala, i was somewhat glad i managed to sneak away for the weekend to have a well deserved rest at Perhentian with close friends and family. It was a "Cousins" trip. The Murray family have a history of adopting friends into the family circle. =) The more the merrier anyways!

Ten of us made it through the freezing cold bus ride to Kuala Besut, where the air conditioning was malfunctioning and freezing us to death. The bus ride took 7 and half hours. We reached at 5.30am, had breakfast, and started our journey to the beautiful Island of Perhentian.

As usual, the Murray family & co. never travel without drama. First there was problems with the sitting arrangement. Then it was the area of where the chalet was located ( the happening beach on the other side of the island which was a 10 minutes trek was fully booked). Then, it was the walk to the chalet which was quite a distance from the beach. Then, it was because the chalet looked too posh. Sigh... HOWEVER......With glitches here and there, we managed to have a surprisingly pleasant trip.

Being the usual " i dun wanna get burnt" type of person and having a judgemental Chinese mother who always asks me "Ha mi su lu aneh OH" (translation from Hokkien: Why did you become so black?), i swore to stay away from the sun. I loaded my bags up with 3 bottles of sunblock with different levels of SPF.

Once i got there, it was a different story. Truth is, I'm already tanned but i love the tan sunbathing provides. I was always jealous of gurls who looked like they were born in Islands. But Malaysian culture, fair is beautiful. And of course i want to look beautiful. So shoot me! i am vain!

I frolicked in the sun, enjoyed every moment in my bikinis, thread my toes in the clear water with pure white sand. I had the most awesome holiday with Bernard. It was our third holiday in 2 and half years! And it was good...

I never new how much i missed the sea! It was amazing.. I would want to go back there again for sure, without fail, perhaps to other islands in the vicinity!

Nala my little lion...

I lost my puppy to the Parvo virus on Wednesday morning...She was only exactly 4 months, a beautiful German shepherd puppy, with eyes that looked as though they could talk...

My puppy was from Lassie, Bernard's bitch who gave birth to 8 puppies where only 3 of them survived. We named her Nala ( as the female lion who was with Simba in the Lion King) as we hoped she'd have a will and strength of a lion.

Nala was not fearsome, in fact, she was gentle, playful, loving and amicable. She was my parent's pride and joy. She was never disciplined, she was spoilt silly, and she had the most amazing character.

When Nala and her other 2 siblings were 5 days old, her mum, Lassie was sick with tick fever, and the other 5 puppies already didn't make it. Bernard's family took things in their own hands, started bottle feeding the pups every 3 hours.

Nala was the fattest and cuttest out of the lot. She was whiny and she loved to hurdle up with the other two for warmth.. Bernard decided to give Nala to my parents, cz she was the strongest one.

My parents loved her to the core. She was the only dog who lived in the house, who slept by my mum's bedside and was treated like a human. They watched her grow in pride, one by one of her droopy ears standing up and her limbs growing at exponential growth. They would call me everyday to update me on how she was doing and tell me all the antics she would pull all day long

It happened just like that.... She had diarrhea, they took her to the vet, she was hospitalized and 2 days later, she hemorrhaged and passed on...

Some say she was just a puppy, it wouldn't have hurt.. Some say she was just a dog
She was a part of our family.. And we have guilt, regret, sorrow and an unexplainable hurt that we couldn't do more than we already did to try and save her...

I bottle fed Nala since she was 5 days old. She fitted in my palm. She would suck on her milk bottle without pausing to breathe... She was like my baby. i can only Imagine how my parents feel. It's like losing a child. We don't treat dogs as pets. They're not there to amuse us, protect us, or act as decoratives to the garden. We adopt them as family. And treat them as one.

While i still grieve over her passing on, and i cannot understand why God took her away so soon, I'm still thankful for having her short presence here. I know she's no longer in pain, and she'l be happy to have her urn rest in peace in the garden of the new house we bought which was meant for her to run in.

Nala.. we love you... Always did.. always will...