Baby blues...

I developed an odd feeling towards pregnancy since the late of last year.. Just a feeling that this could happen to me too! And it's not a good feeling.

This thought randomly ran through my mind. And i will not even try to justify a bit that it doesn't scare me alot. Many of my friends became mothers overnight in the past year. The list is still growing. And somehow, pregnancy before vows which they previously judged upon or scorned upon previously seem like a natural instinct they could just embrace overnight... I always probed on why they seem calm and accept it with joy. I would imagine sobbing and resentment and total lost of which path to thread on thereafter. Somehow, they always seem calm. My friend told me today, "nasi sudah jadi bubur, accept it with joy laaa,"

I get extremely thrilled when my friends get pregnant. I look forward to watching the bump grow, choose names with them, shopping for baby clothes and expect a new bouncing baby at the end of 9 months. Sadly, i can't see myself there yet. I'm just not ready..

Personally, there are some rites of passage in my life that i cannot imagine not going through. Like the first crush, the first rejection, the first kiss, the first day in college, the first time moving out of the house, first job, The type of rites that once you miss, you'll never be able to turn back time and relive it again.

I've always been a planner. ( boring i know ) Not a "que sara sara" person... definitely not. And therefore there are many things i expect to experience in life. And not to mention, i am a hopeless sucker for romanticism!

I've always fantasized about what my proposal will be like. How my engagement ring would look like. How i would plan and theme my wedding day. What dress i'd wear, and where my honeymoon will be. And then, what my reaction will be like when i do get pregnant one day. Will we plan it, will it be a surprise. I don't expect everyone to think like i do, this is my personal desire and wish.

I think women who are mothers overnight and embrace it with grace and faith are extraordinary women. It take alot to digest the fact especially when the non-traditional way is taken in a culture like ours which is still predominantly still very much traditional. To me, it is not about worrying about the shame of getting knocked up. That is the least of what anyone should worry about in today's world. Women have proven to be excellent single mothers. I think that women who are mothers and wives overnight are extremely strong. It's not easy to suddenly step into both at once. I know for sure, i can't do that. I am just not that strong.

I applaud all the women who are embracing this new changing point as a gift in their lives. You really are something!