Year 2008

I never want to jinx myself. Or at least i try to be optimistic that when misendeavours happen, there'll be a silver lining somewhere after that. However, year 2008 has really put my endurance towards all types of pain to a test.. Here it goes...

At the beginning of year 2008, i landed in a job i absolutely hated, there luck turned around and here i am, in a job which i love to bits and pieces, but could never find enough sleep to compensate for the beauty of it all. 

Then, my puppy died after being infected with Parvo virus. Which left my parents sad and broken. My mum was then admitted to the hospital for a bad case of dengue, which she almost lost her life to. 

Recently, i was granted a scholarship to do my masters in Human Rights in Korea which i had no choice but to reject, due to my mum's health conditions and my commitments towards the housing loan which i had just undertaken. My poodle fell sick, which was later diagnosed with a degenerative disorder which had no cure to. My dad then fell sick and was admitted to the hospital for a growth which is now in the process of being tested to be malignant or benign. Then Christmas came, and yesterday, on CHirstmas day, my entire family spent the whole day zooming in and out of clinics, because my mum had suspected dengue fever, AGAIN! Since my mum refused to be admitted on Chirstmas day, we are still running to and fro from hospitals to check her blood and platlet count. I have fallen sick 5 times this year, and i suspect once more before the year ends due the the fatigue i've been experiencing these past few days. 

There is 5 more days before the year ends. God forbid that this year might be any more worse than it already was and i am still waiting to see that silver lining. Nobody likes to usher in the new year with a cloud hanging over their head. 

Sigh... fatigue.. depression... anxiety......Where is my silver lining?????????????????

So this is Christmas

I've been EXTREMELY BUSY recently, therefore the lack of posts being posted up. But here i am, on a christmas eve, at starbucks doing what i love to do while i'm back at my home town. 

After months and months of toiling for christmas presents and bargains to check off the christmas present list that i had, i spent exactly RM1543.50. This does not include the "bargains" and "must-haves" that i have splurged on myself... I don't even want to do the math anymore... But oh well, Christmas is all about giving, and watching the ecstatic faces of people ripping their wrappers apart to get to whats inside. And i hope that everyone who i have toiled hard for while buying their gifts would love what i bought. 

So this is Christmas, and soon a happy new year. And it kind of makes me sad that christmas is already here, and all the hype and enthusiasm will be dying down soon... Sad sad thought...sigh!!!

So have a Merry merry Chist-a-mas everybody!! don't let the season pass you by without even realising....

Be back after new year!

Dirty old men...

" so how many did you score yesterday macha?"

"(grins) two"

"motherfucker! WHoah.. Where did you take them back to? and two ar macha? HOw la you handled it?"

"hotel la bro.. You know la chicks these days. They're up for it together-gether. (laughs obnoxiously)"

"Why din go back to their place, who knows got more bitches to join in?"

"Those cunts were staying in hostel la bro."

"Work hostel?"

"No la. College accomodation."

"College girls???? How old were they?"

" I think about 18 or 19. Quite cheap also, I tipped rm100 each and motherfucker you should see the shit they were doing la. Better than GROs"  with disgusting gestures)

" You got tape ar?"

"(snickers) No la crazy ar you? Dangerous wei... U know la. Shit luck and it'll end up in my wife's hands one day. Die man.. Must be smart la..thats why i main college girls. cheap, easy, tight, "

I couldn't help but eavesdrop this conversation of two middle aged men sitting in front of me at Starbucks. 

Firstly, they were talking loudly as though this is a usual table conversation and for someone who doesn't want his wife to find out bout his sick habits, he wasn't being remotely discreet about it. Secondly, I couldn't help but pick up disgustingly rude words they were using like "cunt", "motherfucker", "bitch" and others which i feel inappropriate to even post up on my blog! And thirdly, THIRDLY, i couldn't believe my ears and couldn't mask my disgust of married middle aged balding "Uncles" bragging about screwing teenagers which are old enough to be their daughters. Fourthly, being a teenager somewhat not too long ago, i cannot imagine why would young beautiful girls want to have sex with old ugly men for money. I am being judgemental here so sue me... but i still think it is awful, disgustingly disgusting, and just plain SICK!

As i grow older each day, and think of getting married, having children and being middle aged myself not too long from now, it scares me. It scares me to have a husband who would sit with his friends and brag about the "chicks" who are more supple and younger than me that he has had relationships with, it scares me to have daughters who might be one of those "chicks",  It scares me to have sons who might turn gay for materialistic reasons, it scares me that my husband will be bringing younger girls to parties instead of bringing me, it scares me greatly..

It is very common these days for older men to date young girls. So common it is almost becoming a norm. In my parent's time, it was unacceptable to see women smoking, wearing revealing outfits, and having premarital sex. But in today's world, my world, my age, all these are acceptable and a norm. I think for once in my life, i can imagine how scary it is for my parents. Because all these things that i think is unnatural and unaaceptable, might just be acceptable in the new age to come... I'm not sure i even want to have children ever now just by these mere thoughts....

It's a scary world out there.... 

Rants

Yesterday, Kathy, Raam( old college mate and ex-tutor ) finally fulfilled our promise of having a drink after working hours. 

While "half-dead-fever sticken Kathy" refused to cave in to her ungodly-state of not being in the right state to consume alcoholic beverages, she and i still made our way to KL sentral for a afterwork drink. Raam appears, half an hour late with a very good reason of having to walk down 30 flights of stairs due to a broken down lift, and we chat over drinks and finger food about the past, present and future.... I know... sounds deep aye? but not so, we were just reminiscing days of when we used to watch after-work urbanites park their bums into bar and restaurants just for a "pick-me-up" before they head home and crash into bed and wonder when we'd be doing the same. Well, the time has come for us to join that crowd. 

I had a wonderful time over drinks. It was great to catch up with friends who DO matter, and share our woes, gossip, and advancements or fall-backs without any qualms. We could bitch till the cows came home.. and there was no one to judge, because we were all in the same position then, and in the same position now. 

I believe i've probably mentioned it once too many times, of my financial difficulties while i was studying in college. And it was great comfort to be able to TALK about it, with people who shared the same predicament then. Kathy, me and Raam never had the luxury of just studying in college. We constantly had to worry about money issues all the way up to where the next meal would be coming from. As i have graduated, grown and matured over the years, i believe that has been the major part in molding our characters and it was something to be proud of, regardless of the not so great academic transcripts ( sorry raam, you were brilliant, just me and kathy). 

Our entire conversation lead me into deeper thoughts. I resented my life in college and how hard it was to make ends meet. And now as a person who's part of the workforce, i still resent my earning capabilities. When does it ever end? The feeling of needing more than what I have. 

When kathy and me started out in college, everything was from scratch. We moved into an empty apartment. Everything we own in this damn unit was donated by someone or picked up from the dumpster downstairs. From the sofa to the TV to the damn shoe rack, cupboards, rice cooker, cuttleries, we did not spend a cent on it. Not because we do not like new shiny plastic wrapped stuff from the store. It is because till this very darn day, it is not easy to afford it. The only thing i had bought for this house is a fully automatic 6 kgs washing machine which i paid in 2 installments. That.. is our pride and joy. It took us 4 damn years to accumulate enough furniture and appliances to be able to call this place "Homely". In fact, we were only donated a sofa set last year from my cousin, and before that, we made do with cushions and other canvas chairs. 

On top of not being able to afford furniture personally, i have my monthly debts that i have to pay and that includes rent, water bills, electricity bills, insurance premium, phone bills, credit card bills, transportation to and back from work and a large chunk to a housing loan which takes up 2/3 of my salary. I don't even have internet connection in my home because that is a luxury. 

Some people ask me why is it that i cannot afford to buy a car, geee.... go figure.. If everyone had to start out the way Kathy and i did with a negative figure in their bank account, they would probably be buying their first second hand car at the age of 30. Society is not kind in terms of personal struggles. They dont want to know what your problems are, but just what u have achieved. People are expected to complete or achieve certain things deem fit for a successful person by a certain age regardless of what their personal struggles might be. If i don't have a car by the time i am 30, i must be terribly spendthrift or just a complete loser. ..per say

Many of my friends started out with help from their parents. Many of them had their first car with downpayment from their parents. Or some of them still lived with their parents, worked for their parents, had a fixed deposit courtesy of their parents to start out in this mean mean world. I am not proud to say that i have been independent because independence is a fucking pain in the arse! I wish i was sheltered at least at some point of my life. :)

I remember a job interview i had, where my interviewer asked me to justify my grades. Even though i had a valid "pity-me" story to explain why i did not obtain first class honors, i stopped, because, people are generally not interested in your shit life. They just want to hear the good part of it. 

But oh well, luck might turn around one day. Life is life, some have it easier, some literally live it in a soiled toilet bowl. Worrying or complaining about it doesnt change the way it is..But the next time you judge someone, maybe you would like to enquire if they do have a "Pity-me" story...

Im not sure this post even has a point to it. But this is me... just ranting..Well, a girl's gotta do what a girl likes to do sometimes rite? And for me.. that includes ranting... 

Cheerios!

Lost in Translation

When u wake up one day from life, be it at any point of your life, with a realization that life can never be the same again, it could be an epiphany, or a prick of conscience, or even a point to which you realize life cannot go on the way it did yesterday and the yesterdays before.

That kind of realization, gives you a surge of adrenaline, a whole new perspective in life, and the emotions and enthusiasm which you cannot suppress even if you wanted to. It is almost as if your whole life had been a lie, and confessions must be made. That, is the birth of inventions, progressions, causes and revolutions..

Many Non-Profit-Organizations or Non-Government-Organizations start off in this manner, where that ONE person decided that there is a need to address a need that has not been addressed. The cause is pure, the intentions are humble, and the fight is for the prevalence of justice.

Throughout my fight for a cause, which has been the scratch of the surface compared to many many MANY others, I’ve learnt that an organization is like a government, where they exist to address injustice on behalf of a group of people. Like majority of the governments in the world, they started out being the voice of the people, and slowly but surely along the way, lose their way towards the reason they started out in the first place. From a humble representative, they learn that with support, comes authority, and with authority, comes power, and with power, comes tyranny. So what happens to the cause? Lost somewhere in translation. They remember the people who supported them at the beginning, remember the people who brought them into the scene at the first place, but somehow, just.. somehow along the way, forget what the people really want or need, because they have learnt to value the people’s opinions lesser with time, and value their own instead. They say, Thank God “I” am here to help you, and not, thank God I am here because of “you”.  NPOs or NGOs, they lose their way, just like any hungry money grubbing business tycoon. Narcissism takes over, and soon, it’s about “ me me me” What “I” want, what “I” think is right and what “I” decide… Justice ends up..Compromised.

My father used to tell me that the word “I” is the most rude word one can use. It reflects self-gratification and selfishness. Self praise is no praise. And I think that’s the biggest wisdom ever reflected in his attempt to mold and chisel my character. Even Jesus was humble enough to say that he is not alone in making miracles. Many times in the bible, it was mentioned that Jesus never separated himself from God the father, and the Holy Spirit. Same way, a government is made out of a collection of people, and so is an organization.  Therefore, the word “I” should be refrained from being used, because really, it is not ONE person who has made it possible, it was everyone who worked their asses off, and not that ONE person.

Today, I prayed an earnest prayer. I prayed for the first time that God would make sure that I would not stray from my cause, from my purpose, from my dedication. I prayed that I would not end up being consumed by power, that if I ever obtained authority and power, I would use it with prudence, and for the cause I am here for in the first place. And I prayed that I will not use the word “I” too often especially for self glorification. I prayed most of all that I will never consider my profession noble, but as an obligation that every human being should fulfill.