Year 2008

I never want to jinx myself. Or at least i try to be optimistic that when misendeavours happen, there'll be a silver lining somewhere after that. However, year 2008 has really put my endurance towards all types of pain to a test.. Here it goes...

At the beginning of year 2008, i landed in a job i absolutely hated, there luck turned around and here i am, in a job which i love to bits and pieces, but could never find enough sleep to compensate for the beauty of it all. 

Then, my puppy died after being infected with Parvo virus. Which left my parents sad and broken. My mum was then admitted to the hospital for a bad case of dengue, which she almost lost her life to. 

Recently, i was granted a scholarship to do my masters in Human Rights in Korea which i had no choice but to reject, due to my mum's health conditions and my commitments towards the housing loan which i had just undertaken. My poodle fell sick, which was later diagnosed with a degenerative disorder which had no cure to. My dad then fell sick and was admitted to the hospital for a growth which is now in the process of being tested to be malignant or benign. Then Christmas came, and yesterday, on CHirstmas day, my entire family spent the whole day zooming in and out of clinics, because my mum had suspected dengue fever, AGAIN! Since my mum refused to be admitted on Chirstmas day, we are still running to and fro from hospitals to check her blood and platlet count. I have fallen sick 5 times this year, and i suspect once more before the year ends due the the fatigue i've been experiencing these past few days. 

There is 5 more days before the year ends. God forbid that this year might be any more worse than it already was and i am still waiting to see that silver lining. Nobody likes to usher in the new year with a cloud hanging over their head. 

Sigh... fatigue.. depression... anxiety......Where is my silver lining?????????????????

So this is Christmas

I've been EXTREMELY BUSY recently, therefore the lack of posts being posted up. But here i am, on a christmas eve, at starbucks doing what i love to do while i'm back at my home town. 

After months and months of toiling for christmas presents and bargains to check off the christmas present list that i had, i spent exactly RM1543.50. This does not include the "bargains" and "must-haves" that i have splurged on myself... I don't even want to do the math anymore... But oh well, Christmas is all about giving, and watching the ecstatic faces of people ripping their wrappers apart to get to whats inside. And i hope that everyone who i have toiled hard for while buying their gifts would love what i bought. 

So this is Christmas, and soon a happy new year. And it kind of makes me sad that christmas is already here, and all the hype and enthusiasm will be dying down soon... Sad sad thought...sigh!!!

So have a Merry merry Chist-a-mas everybody!! don't let the season pass you by without even realising....

Be back after new year!

Dirty old men...

" so how many did you score yesterday macha?"

"(grins) two"

"motherfucker! WHoah.. Where did you take them back to? and two ar macha? HOw la you handled it?"

"hotel la bro.. You know la chicks these days. They're up for it together-gether. (laughs obnoxiously)"

"Why din go back to their place, who knows got more bitches to join in?"

"Those cunts were staying in hostel la bro."

"Work hostel?"

"No la. College accomodation."

"College girls???? How old were they?"

" I think about 18 or 19. Quite cheap also, I tipped rm100 each and motherfucker you should see the shit they were doing la. Better than GROs"  with disgusting gestures)

" You got tape ar?"

"(snickers) No la crazy ar you? Dangerous wei... U know la. Shit luck and it'll end up in my wife's hands one day. Die man.. Must be smart la..thats why i main college girls. cheap, easy, tight, "

I couldn't help but eavesdrop this conversation of two middle aged men sitting in front of me at Starbucks. 

Firstly, they were talking loudly as though this is a usual table conversation and for someone who doesn't want his wife to find out bout his sick habits, he wasn't being remotely discreet about it. Secondly, I couldn't help but pick up disgustingly rude words they were using like "cunt", "motherfucker", "bitch" and others which i feel inappropriate to even post up on my blog! And thirdly, THIRDLY, i couldn't believe my ears and couldn't mask my disgust of married middle aged balding "Uncles" bragging about screwing teenagers which are old enough to be their daughters. Fourthly, being a teenager somewhat not too long ago, i cannot imagine why would young beautiful girls want to have sex with old ugly men for money. I am being judgemental here so sue me... but i still think it is awful, disgustingly disgusting, and just plain SICK!

As i grow older each day, and think of getting married, having children and being middle aged myself not too long from now, it scares me. It scares me to have a husband who would sit with his friends and brag about the "chicks" who are more supple and younger than me that he has had relationships with, it scares me to have daughters who might be one of those "chicks",  It scares me to have sons who might turn gay for materialistic reasons, it scares me that my husband will be bringing younger girls to parties instead of bringing me, it scares me greatly..

It is very common these days for older men to date young girls. So common it is almost becoming a norm. In my parent's time, it was unacceptable to see women smoking, wearing revealing outfits, and having premarital sex. But in today's world, my world, my age, all these are acceptable and a norm. I think for once in my life, i can imagine how scary it is for my parents. Because all these things that i think is unnatural and unaaceptable, might just be acceptable in the new age to come... I'm not sure i even want to have children ever now just by these mere thoughts....

It's a scary world out there.... 

Rants

Yesterday, Kathy, Raam( old college mate and ex-tutor ) finally fulfilled our promise of having a drink after working hours. 

While "half-dead-fever sticken Kathy" refused to cave in to her ungodly-state of not being in the right state to consume alcoholic beverages, she and i still made our way to KL sentral for a afterwork drink. Raam appears, half an hour late with a very good reason of having to walk down 30 flights of stairs due to a broken down lift, and we chat over drinks and finger food about the past, present and future.... I know... sounds deep aye? but not so, we were just reminiscing days of when we used to watch after-work urbanites park their bums into bar and restaurants just for a "pick-me-up" before they head home and crash into bed and wonder when we'd be doing the same. Well, the time has come for us to join that crowd. 

I had a wonderful time over drinks. It was great to catch up with friends who DO matter, and share our woes, gossip, and advancements or fall-backs without any qualms. We could bitch till the cows came home.. and there was no one to judge, because we were all in the same position then, and in the same position now. 

I believe i've probably mentioned it once too many times, of my financial difficulties while i was studying in college. And it was great comfort to be able to TALK about it, with people who shared the same predicament then. Kathy, me and Raam never had the luxury of just studying in college. We constantly had to worry about money issues all the way up to where the next meal would be coming from. As i have graduated, grown and matured over the years, i believe that has been the major part in molding our characters and it was something to be proud of, regardless of the not so great academic transcripts ( sorry raam, you were brilliant, just me and kathy). 

Our entire conversation lead me into deeper thoughts. I resented my life in college and how hard it was to make ends meet. And now as a person who's part of the workforce, i still resent my earning capabilities. When does it ever end? The feeling of needing more than what I have. 

When kathy and me started out in college, everything was from scratch. We moved into an empty apartment. Everything we own in this damn unit was donated by someone or picked up from the dumpster downstairs. From the sofa to the TV to the damn shoe rack, cupboards, rice cooker, cuttleries, we did not spend a cent on it. Not because we do not like new shiny plastic wrapped stuff from the store. It is because till this very darn day, it is not easy to afford it. The only thing i had bought for this house is a fully automatic 6 kgs washing machine which i paid in 2 installments. That.. is our pride and joy. It took us 4 damn years to accumulate enough furniture and appliances to be able to call this place "Homely". In fact, we were only donated a sofa set last year from my cousin, and before that, we made do with cushions and other canvas chairs. 

On top of not being able to afford furniture personally, i have my monthly debts that i have to pay and that includes rent, water bills, electricity bills, insurance premium, phone bills, credit card bills, transportation to and back from work and a large chunk to a housing loan which takes up 2/3 of my salary. I don't even have internet connection in my home because that is a luxury. 

Some people ask me why is it that i cannot afford to buy a car, geee.... go figure.. If everyone had to start out the way Kathy and i did with a negative figure in their bank account, they would probably be buying their first second hand car at the age of 30. Society is not kind in terms of personal struggles. They dont want to know what your problems are, but just what u have achieved. People are expected to complete or achieve certain things deem fit for a successful person by a certain age regardless of what their personal struggles might be. If i don't have a car by the time i am 30, i must be terribly spendthrift or just a complete loser. ..per say

Many of my friends started out with help from their parents. Many of them had their first car with downpayment from their parents. Or some of them still lived with their parents, worked for their parents, had a fixed deposit courtesy of their parents to start out in this mean mean world. I am not proud to say that i have been independent because independence is a fucking pain in the arse! I wish i was sheltered at least at some point of my life. :)

I remember a job interview i had, where my interviewer asked me to justify my grades. Even though i had a valid "pity-me" story to explain why i did not obtain first class honors, i stopped, because, people are generally not interested in your shit life. They just want to hear the good part of it. 

But oh well, luck might turn around one day. Life is life, some have it easier, some literally live it in a soiled toilet bowl. Worrying or complaining about it doesnt change the way it is..But the next time you judge someone, maybe you would like to enquire if they do have a "Pity-me" story...

Im not sure this post even has a point to it. But this is me... just ranting..Well, a girl's gotta do what a girl likes to do sometimes rite? And for me.. that includes ranting... 

Cheerios!

Lost in Translation

When u wake up one day from life, be it at any point of your life, with a realization that life can never be the same again, it could be an epiphany, or a prick of conscience, or even a point to which you realize life cannot go on the way it did yesterday and the yesterdays before.

That kind of realization, gives you a surge of adrenaline, a whole new perspective in life, and the emotions and enthusiasm which you cannot suppress even if you wanted to. It is almost as if your whole life had been a lie, and confessions must be made. That, is the birth of inventions, progressions, causes and revolutions..

Many Non-Profit-Organizations or Non-Government-Organizations start off in this manner, where that ONE person decided that there is a need to address a need that has not been addressed. The cause is pure, the intentions are humble, and the fight is for the prevalence of justice.

Throughout my fight for a cause, which has been the scratch of the surface compared to many many MANY others, I’ve learnt that an organization is like a government, where they exist to address injustice on behalf of a group of people. Like majority of the governments in the world, they started out being the voice of the people, and slowly but surely along the way, lose their way towards the reason they started out in the first place. From a humble representative, they learn that with support, comes authority, and with authority, comes power, and with power, comes tyranny. So what happens to the cause? Lost somewhere in translation. They remember the people who supported them at the beginning, remember the people who brought them into the scene at the first place, but somehow, just.. somehow along the way, forget what the people really want or need, because they have learnt to value the people’s opinions lesser with time, and value their own instead. They say, Thank God “I” am here to help you, and not, thank God I am here because of “you”.  NPOs or NGOs, they lose their way, just like any hungry money grubbing business tycoon. Narcissism takes over, and soon, it’s about “ me me me” What “I” want, what “I” think is right and what “I” decide… Justice ends up..Compromised.

My father used to tell me that the word “I” is the most rude word one can use. It reflects self-gratification and selfishness. Self praise is no praise. And I think that’s the biggest wisdom ever reflected in his attempt to mold and chisel my character. Even Jesus was humble enough to say that he is not alone in making miracles. Many times in the bible, it was mentioned that Jesus never separated himself from God the father, and the Holy Spirit. Same way, a government is made out of a collection of people, and so is an organization.  Therefore, the word “I” should be refrained from being used, because really, it is not ONE person who has made it possible, it was everyone who worked their asses off, and not that ONE person.

Today, I prayed an earnest prayer. I prayed for the first time that God would make sure that I would not stray from my cause, from my purpose, from my dedication. I prayed that I would not end up being consumed by power, that if I ever obtained authority and power, I would use it with prudence, and for the cause I am here for in the first place. And I prayed that I will not use the word “I” too often especially for self glorification. I prayed most of all that I will never consider my profession noble, but as an obligation that every human being should fulfill. 

Christmassy feel

Well, there's not much to write, right now as im enjoying sitting by my comp, doing my work, listening carols courtesy of youtube, wishing i was sipping cream cognac, and absolutely absolutely thrilled with prospect of the 6 feet christmas tree Erni ,my boss promised us!!!!!!

Happy Happy awaiting holidays in advance!!!

Name and Taint

The favorite part of the newspaper which i simply have to visit each time i read it is the obituary. No no... don't take it a sick way, not that i enjoy doing headcounts of dead people, but more to inform myself of someone i may know who had passed on without my knowledge. But one reason i never fail to stop at the obituary page is also because i love checking out names of people... Weird i know... who ever said i was anything less than neurotic?

Anyways.... (rolls eyes) back to names. I've been obssesed about names since i was a child. I remember all my plush toys by names. And since i didn't have barbie dolls, i used to name my green army soldiers as well as put my lego pieces together in the shape of a boy or girl and name them. I remember wishing my name was different, for a very good reason! See, my full name is Charlene Fay Murray, some or my teachers pronounced my name as "Cha-le-ne" for 2 full years. Some called me "charlie" which was associated to Charlie Chaplin, my nickname for 4 full years in primary school. And then, we learnt bout malay idioms! Sigh... There was a idiom to name a talkative person "mulut murai" in malay, and since i was talkative and my surname is Murray, you see the connection don't you. And then came secondary school, where i returned to schoold being fat and almost obese. Sigh... I was a fat fat kid. And the secondary school i went to was predominantly attended by chinese students. So see.... MY middle name is Fay, and in mandarin, Fay simply means FAT! So teachers and students started calling me fattie, fay fay, char kueh tiaw ( cz its greasy therefore equivalent to fats therefore equivalent to fay my middle name).

So see, can u understand now why on earth i wanted to just have a normal average name like "laura" or "melissa" or even "salimah". At least people wouldn't have teased me.

But through the years, i have learnt to appreciate my name. It's unique, it's a part of my grandmother's name and i think it suits me well, tho some people like Kathy, still contests that a name like "betty" would suit me better.

Some names are just wrong. Like Kathy reckons that the name "bertha" is horrid because one cannot say the name without making a "yucky" face. it's like saying the word puke. Same way we agreed that we would not name our kid "natasha" because we know too many "B****" who are named Natasha. I personally think Beatrice is a name of a mean person. And most people who are named "prudence" are often not prudent at all. Gary always sounds gay. And "jesus" is just wrong to be used on a human. "einstein" wll make your kid a laughing joke in school. And names like "Vaginia, Zakaria, Mani, Rahimah, Ah-Kau, Ah-choo, Ah-Siow, Ah-lan, Ah-ciao" are just WRONG....

Names are a very big aspect of one's life... when u have the chance to choose one....choose wisely... :)

My life as a social worker..

Over the past months, i have been wondering if i am in a profession which is suits me best. I am constantly moody these days, suffer from bad neck and back aches, insomniac, lethargic, edgy, find no time to groom myself, suffer from multiple layers of eyebags despite that SK ii miracle water i am using and most of all, can't find time to do the normal activities normal working adults at my age do. Watching tv is a luxury. Having a neat closet with clean clothes is a luxury. taking a long bath is a luxury, spending time with my loved ones is the biggest luxury of all which i cannot find time to indulge in.

For many other people who do what regular people do, whether it is working in an office, being a doctor, engineer, or running their own business, life seems simpler, and more clear cut. There are clear cut rules and regulations, they can anticipate the worst case scenario, and anticipate the possible solutions to their daily problems. Make no mistake that i am not trying to undermine what regular people do. I think everyone has a purpose and a form of contribution to the society they live in, be it big or small their contributions. I envy people who have that kind of job, because everything has a form of solution. 

Today, i was chatting with a friend for a brief 5 minutes, my luxury time to sit down and enjoy my cup of water without the phone buzzing away in my office. And i was relating to her why i felt stressed over the case of the 10 months old baby we couldn't find a viable solution for. The situation seems to simple for damage control. But the obstacles which seemed so unreasonable and ridiculous stood steadfast in our way. It pained me. It made me sick to my stomach that someone would treat a 10 months old baby this way and yet, i feel powerless though i try and try and try. 

She mentioned to me that what i was doing is great. (yeah right considering i am not much of a help) and that she could only imagine what i have to face everyday at work. That jocked up my thoughts, why should i feel so helpless when compared to the families of those who are more distraught in distress? Do i have the right to self pity myself over my powerless self? Maybe i am not doing enough, focusing too much on how it is affecting me. Bernard told me once that i should leave work at work. And getting too much into it will just break me eventually. Unfortunately, that is a luxury too! the simple at of leaving work at work. 

I know of many other people working for the government. And Non- Government-Organisations. Some seem happy after working hours, some have the luxury of leaving work at work. And i wonder, is it because i do not know how to delegate efficiently, or do i just have bad problem solving skills although i facilitate problem solving classes for the refugees? I am still finding that answer. 

I am faced with broken people everyday, knowing deep down inside that i won't be able to help 9 out of 10 of these people. Why am i still fighting this losing battle? THAT! i found the answer to.

I can pretend that the rest of the world is doing their best. And trying to make this country a better place. Be optimistic in life and assume that when things are out of control, i have already done my best. This way, a can live a long and fulfilling life, knowing that i have already done my best, and leave the rest up to God, the government, the system or whatever bullshit. I could be an average typical malaysian, who lives for my life only.

OR, i could be the one who doesn't walk away from other people's pain. Who strives non stop even when the situation remains hopeless. Who doesn't let fear and failure distraught me. Who is realistic and does not ignore situations just because it did not happen to me, and to somebody else. I could be insomniac, lie awake thinking of possible ways to do my job more efficiently and never give up. 

No one said it would be easy.. But i think i'd go with option 2..  :) 

A cry for life

This weeks been a crazy week. So many thing to talk about so little time. In fact, i could write ten posts with all the issues i have waltzing in my mind. But i'l just jumble them up, whether they would be coherent to each another or not. 

Last week's been bitter sweet. From the Mumbai killings, to My boss's acquittal from her 13 year-long  trial, but the one thing that struck me most this friday last week was a case that was brought to our office. I personally attended to a case where a distraught father came to our office to report the case of his wife and 10 months old daughter who had been arrested by the immigration. 

See, the reason which peeved us most was, the mother of the child was an Indonesian with a legitimate passport and a working permit, where else the child had a UNHCR refugee status card like her father. 

As the father pleaded to have his sick daughter released ( she had high fever, flu and cough), the immigration officials said that it was impossible even when UNHCR tried to intervene. The mother of the child was asked to leave her daughter behind as she had legitimate documents to walk away free. As any mother in their right mind would have done, she fought hard to stay with her baby, but they insisted. 

When Immigration realised the ruckuss the NGOs and UNHCR were making over this case, they decided to revise their decision in not letting both mother and child go. The mother was to be re-arrested and the child would not be released into UNHCR's care as promised, due to the policy that a migrant cannot get pregnant here while on work permit or else they will be deported. 

While all this was going on, and we worked our asses off trying to get Immigration to talk to us over the weekend due to the possible fatal outcome of the sick baby, there was still no medical attention for the child, despite our call to make medical treatment top priority for this case.  The child's father is still sitting her in this very office, while i type out an appeal to all you people to pray for his family. 

Did you know that

1. Lower class migrants are called migrants/domestic workers/laborers and higher class migrants are called expats. Expats are allowed to buy property, assets, have children. Domestic workers are NOT allowed to get pregnant in this country or they will be repatriated
2. Babies and children are protected under UNICEF and the CRC convention which malaysia has signed, yet there is no legal protection for undocumented and stateless children. They are thrown into detention camps, held up in lock ups with or without their parents should they be caught, even if they do have a refugee status UNHCR card.
3. Immigration and other departments do not hold true to their words, they can change their decision any time without issuing a proper memorandum orstatement to justify the factor pertained to changing their decision. 
4. You can be arrested for one allegation in malaysia and be charged for another allegation      ( which you are not arrested for) if they fail to prove the first allegation to be true. For example, the immigration had no business of catching a passport holder with a legitimate permit. By right, they owe her and the embassy an apology on their negligence in checking first before arresting. However, they looked into other aspects which they can charge her with so that they can scott free from their impudence. Therefore, they tried to charge her for getting married ( basic human rights? ), which they couldnt because she wasn't legally married in court. And then they charged her for having a child illegally( basic human rights too?)
5. The child or anyone who is in need of  medical attention can be denied medical intervention or care at detention camps if the officials FEEL like it. There is no policy towards it to support their actions.( basic human rights denied again?) The child is also not allowed to be given diapers or milk ( as the miigration officers deem fit) by strangers. 
6. There is no clear cut system on what the visitation hours are like and who can or cannot visit at immigration camps. It is up to the official's discretion and how much kopi u can afford to belanja. 
7. The common procedure for repatriation for a migrant worker is to be sent to a detention camp where the living conditions are a bed or thorns, and then be repatriated once they have settled issues , or some say, served their punishment for their wrongdoings. Even if the person is a child or elderly, or in this case, a baby. The country embassy can request to have the person/child in shelter custody if they come to know of a vulnerable case like this. However,  most of the time the embassies do not know of these cases, unless they are informed by nosy organisations as the one i work for. 
8. There are three types of rules in our country, regulations, policies and the law. The law preceeds the rest. Policies can be disputed by the LAW. But here, it is on ad-hoc and "suka-suka" basis. There is more than one way to manipulate the law to adhere to the policy rather than to manipulate the law to contravene the policy. Cool system yeah? Malaysians aren't that dumb i guess..

I hope that you have taken time to read this post of mine. And i hope that somehow in any way that you can, you would find it in your heart to do domething about it. Pray, write a petition, spread the word, be nicer to a migrant the next time you see one. 

A 10 months old baby could be dying this very moment. This is your and my beautiful Malaysia truly Asia. It is a wonder i can sleep at night sometimes, knowing i am on such dangerous grounds built upon vicious laws which disregards all humanity....

Our Story

It's been 4 days and i've been wondering how to piece the words together. 24th November marked my third year anniversary with Bernard. There were so many things i wanted to write about, so much of details i want to share with the world, but i couldn't find the time to sit down and do it. Now that i have half an hour before my next meeting. I shall do our story justice.

Everyone has that "ultimate" love story. The type where it still makes you swoon even when you think about it 20 years down the road. The type where

 you would look back with no regrets despite the blood, sweat, tears included in the concoction of memories surrounding the relationship. 

Bernard and me had a fairytale story. If i had to put down every last details of the past 4 and half years i've known him, it would make a fantastic best seller romance novel ( too bad i don't read those genre, let alone write it) 

We met at a Sarah Brightman concert. I was there working as an usher to earn peanuts to get through my pathetic life as a student, and he was there as an usher too as a favor to his friend and to beat the summer holidays blue ( he was back from chicago for a 3 months holiday). Out of what was close to 50 over ushers, we met, we chat, we became instant friends. And out of a twist of fate, he was stationed right next to me in the big stadium.

I was going through a topsy turvy turn in my life, being out of a long relationship, having problems with friends who turned their backs on me, 

moving into a new place, and dating numerous Not-so-nice-bastards, he was a breath of fresh air. I didn't see him as an object of attraction, but rather, as a friend who was insanely charming. Throughout a concert where people paid thousands to watch and be in platinum seats, bernard and me spent the entire night chatting away. 

At the end of the night when it was time to say goodbye, i kissed him on his cheeks goodbye, and dismissed the possibility of ever meeting him again, or keeping in touch. It was too good to be true i told myself. He was just a friend. I spent the entire night tossing and turning in bed. My head was replaying every small conversation we had, and all i could think of was this guy whom i vaguely knew, and who meant nothing more to me than just a acquaintance. I tried to dismiss all those thoughts and forced myself to sleep.

The very next morning, i woke up with a smile on my face when i looked at my phone. Bernard messaged me a simple message just telling me how his day started. That, was the start to something beautiful, i just knew it. We exchanged messages every day, and one day, we finally went out for a dinner date. We chatted the whole night away, accidentally wore the same color top and jeans, and felt even closer to each another. Immediately, i dropped everyone around me, i was desperate to get rid of my past, and enjoy this breath of fresh air.

After 3 weeks, and numerous outings, Bernard finally kissed me. And for the first time in my entire life, i knew what it felt like to have butterflies in my stomach. Time flew past for the 3 months Bernard was around, and it was time to say goodbye to each another as he had to go back to chicago for the next term. I remember the night i cried myself to sleep. Perhaps more because i was reverberating myself for falling into this kind of situation! I was confused just as he was. On the day he was flying off, he sent me to college, i said my goodbyes, and hugged him goodbye. I was determined not to let him see me cry. I told him i loved him, as if the words just came out naturally, i didn't feel stupid, but neither did i expect my lips to betray me. 

The next few days were filled with remorse, confusion and fear. We never got together, there were no promises, but neither did it end. And it scared me that my life would get back to the normal disaster that it was, i finally saw him online, and he seemed fine, and he told me to forget him. I was devastated, but i refused to act or show that i was. 

For one and half years, things yo- yoed between us. We talked to each another almost every night and day, i called him, he called me, we were constantly on line. People came in and out of our lives but we still found ourselves together via a cable, millions of mile apart. I could not move on though options seemed to overflow me. And that feeling that i loved him didn't go away, it just grew to such enormity that i constantly felt like i couldn't breathe. Bernard sent me surprise bouquets at my door. We sang to each another birthday tunes on the phone. We cried together, laughed together, ranted together, tried to give up on each another together, but nothing broke the bond we had. 

After one and half years, bernard was offered a permanent job in chicago. He gave it up for me, and he came home. The moment he arrived, i remember running towards him in the most unkept manner, in my jammies, hair all tied up. I couldn't sleep for the 3 days he was on flight, simply fearful of him changing his mind and not feeling the same for me once he had seen me face to face. On the very same day he arrived, while lying next to each another, i asked him if he regretted coming back for me. And the only answer he gave me was that the only thing he regretted is not asking me to be his girlfriend sooner. And from then on, we became exclusive of each another. 

Through the three years, we went through many trials. There were times we needed to have time outs, there were times we almost broke up, we realised we were two very different people who had more compromising than sharing to do. Life was not a cupcake. But we never gave up. Maybe because of all the time we spent trying to make it work, it just didn't seem worth it to gve up. But maybe also because neither of us would give up because we loved each another too much. 

It has finally reached 3 years now of officially being together. And being with bernard is the best decision i have ever made in my life. We do not hold hands, and do much PDA, but everyday, the love just grows stronger. 

He is my pillar, my friend, my lover, my confidante, my past, present and future. And i am glad that with each anniversary that we celebrate, we can look forward for more years to come. :)

I love you baby... 

Ratheega and Alvin's big night!

Last weekend was Rathee's wedding. Boy it was fun. It seemed a bit surreal to see my best friend getting married. But i made sure i was involved heavily in order to start getting the real feeling of her getting married. Here are some pics of the big night!

Make up at MAC

Halfway through the makeover- already ravishing

Au Naturel and glowing

A cinderella story. AWWww

Photo-whoring with the bride

Cam-whoring with the groom

The classic beautiful pose and gown

Dry Ice! Dry ICe! Alert! They can't see where they're going.

The flower baby

The backdrop

Me and Ng, another one of my bestie!

Old classmates reunion chatting merrily

I cannot pose properly to save my life. The class of 2000

Mami and Papa at the wedding

"can't take my eyes off you" -*croons*

Me yanking on the bride's hair!

Banghra moves for a chinese dinner....HMmmmmM

The City of Hell-Drivers

I spent the last three days in jb zooming here and there running errands and attending one of the most important days of my best friend’s life. Rathee, your wedding was such a wonderful event. I loved every moment of fussing around with your dress, make-up and hair. Congratulations, you did not faint during your speech! J

However, besides the wonderful event that made my weekend priceless, I resented every moment spent on the streets and being stuck in traffic in jb. Somehow, jb reminded me a lot of Jakarta, where the air is constantly grey, where you get a sinus attack should you wind down your windows while you drive and the attitude of people constantly trying to cheat you because they assume you can’t speak the language.

While I never noticed all these things despite being born and bred in this city, it’s either that I was sucked into being a Johorian myself, or that things have definitely changed over the years.

These are a few things I absolutely hate about jb;

1.     There is no darn traffic system. Lorries and busses take up all three lanes and speed like no man’s business. They even race with cars who overtake them
   
2.    The road system sucks. Three lanes suddenly become two without any road markings or warning. There are hardly any signboards to aid directions.
   
3.  Dirty fumes. We are not even talking bout being environmentally friendly and green. The black fumes bigger vehicles emit are downright pollution! What the hell is Puspakom for? And with IRDA coming up ( a new multimedia super corridor area likened to cyberjaya), you would think they would like to start cleaning up the area.
   
4. Crime rates and road rage. People drive without sticking to their lanes or giving indications that they would be switching lanes. And since there is no motorcycle lane, there are motorcycles zooming in and out of anywhere as if they have nine lives. There are plenty of people out there who make a living out of purposely getting into an accident and extorting compensation afterwards.
   
5.  The roads are shit. There are pot-holes every damn where on every damn road. Even land-cruisers will have their absorbers spoilt in no time.
   
6. People are DUH. People in jb bring unfriendliness to the next level. No one would give you directions if you are lost. If you look different or out of town, they stare at you blatantly. Subtlety does not exist in this city.
   

oh well, I'm glad i'm back in KL. As much as i don't find KL any more pleasant than JB, i'd rather be here!

People say I'm BLAH!

Last night, i spoke to my mum on the phone. As we were talking, she casually slipped in the topic of my blog. Apparently, my mother knew i had a blog although she hasn't read it! Amazing how news travel.

My mother conspicuously added that some people felt my blog was filthy and controversial. Although She didn't name NAMES, i could have guessed who said what.

My blog is not a suitable reading material for those who relish in total denial and those faint of the heart on controversial topics. So therefore, if you fall under the those categories, please refrain from reading my blog. If you need to comment, then do it so on the blog. I welcome all comments. Rather than to gossip behind my back because that it so not cool. 

While some do enjoy my blog, it is totally understandable that some people might totally hate it. We are humans, we ARE entitled to different opinions in life. 

Where the Hell is Matt?

I came across this video of a guy who travelled to 42 countries in 14 months in the making of a video. To me, this video portrayed that people across continents and culture can be united under a single element. Fact is, you can find many other messages in this video as you deem fit!

THIS is probably the most awesome video i've watched. take a look. It's amazing!

where the hell is matt

My best friend's wedding

Next Sunday is my best friend's wedding. A friend i journeyed through since we were 5. It was not always merry and play for us. We used to pinch hit and scream at each another, but she is the one person i found myself stuck to till now. She is undoubtedly, my best friend. 

While she is going through a rough time now preparing for her wedding and trying hard to endure all the trials and obstacles, and while i am not there physically to comfort her and help her through, i can only wish her my very best and be there for her through the phone. 

Interracial marriages are very common these days. In fact, it is so common that majority of Malaysians come from a stock of mixtures. It is hard to find many families who have had a mono-linage of one race. Well, interracial marriages are sa

id to produce some of the better looking generations in Malaysia! Haha.. 

However, when two strong racial groups come along to agree on ONE big day, there's where the headache comes in. For My bestfriend's case, her husband to be is a chinese from a traditional chinese family and she, herself is from a traditional Indian family. Not only does she have to go through religious issues, but also tradition and culture issues. Her dad wanted to put a "Lord Ganesh Statue" in front of the stage of her chinese wedding. Her mother-in-law-to-be wanted to put up a "Guanyin Statue". Buffet was opted for a Chinese wedding instead of the usual 10 course dinner because of the extensive menu requested by both sides of the folks. There will be a chinese tea ceremony, an Hindu blessing ceremony, "laddus"(indian ghee ball sweets), champagne, Sarees, cheongsams, and many other mixed and match

 traditional practices to soothe the egos of both sides of the folks. What does the bride and groom really want? A simple garden wedding with a small crowd of guests consisting of people who really mattered. Thats the one thing that WILL BE absent from the wedding. 

When a couple decides to take those holy vows, who's really merging? The two individuals or the marriage between two families. As much as parents are extremely excited and happy when their children get married, most of them get carried away being involved in the preparations of the big day. Wedding is suppose to be a joyous occasion, yet research shows that Couples fight more during wedding preparations compared to the whole duration of the dating period. Parents want to impress their friends and family, and many forget to remember the fact that it is NOT their big day, but the big day of their children. 

Sure, they have sacrificed their whole lives for their children, but in my opinion, it does not cut them any slack of making unreasonable demands of the "must-haves" during their children's once in a lifetime biggest moment, especially when it's at the expense of their children's convenience. 

Good luck Rahtee, I will be there on your Big day to celebrate the biggest day of both your lives and i hope i don't end up crying! =)

Early Christmas Spirit

It is November and my Christmas tree is already up! Some say its too early but i guess it's never too early to bask in Christmas joy.

Two days ago, Kathy and me did some major spring Cleaning. Since we decided to foster a kitten Eddy found on the street before we found a good home for it, the house has been in a bigger mess than ever! On top of that, my clothes are perpetually lying on the two seater couch because i just could never find the time to fold them up neatly in my cupboard. Bless my housemates for putting up with me!

Anyhoos, we decided to put up the christmas tree. As we took out the tree box, trimmings and lights, we treated ourselves to some cream liquor, while christmas carols were joyously blasting from the speaker in the hall.

Here are some pictures of our two additional helpers in putting up the christmas tree!

The Final Product!

Mistletoe piggy

Kitty in action

Perfect Family

Piggy's way of showing love

Kathy the human christmas tree

It is always great fun to relinquish on early Christmas cheers! Hope you guys are in the midst of putting up your trees too!

It took them over Two centuries

The change the world had anticipated all year has finally happened. America, has finally earned the right of calling herself the land of all possibilities. 

A black + white, muslim named president. Something, the world had not anticipated, and in secret, neither did Americans. But somehow, it just happened. And the world has never been more proud of Americans than they have been today!

I'm sure they'll be thousands of blogs up today on their views of the biggest American elections in history. So i will not waste time to try to even sound as if i've been an ardent follower and pretend to know bollocks bout it. 

 All i know is, it took Americans 232 years to realise it is not a national threat to have a black president. It took them that long to realise that preserving white sovereignity is of secondary importance compared to equal rights. Americans have finally realised that it is not whether or not Obama will do a better job than McCain, but it is important sometimes to just have faith, and embrace changes that may or may not happen. 

Question is, if it took 232 years for America to embrace a change, how long will it take us? What more especially when we have three, and not two majority races which makes up Malaysia?

We are not even talking about a Chinese or Indian prime minister. We can't even accept a new party for pete's sake. We have a long long way to go and we well deserve to be a third world country still in any given situation. 

YOU ROCK OBAMA!!!

Kejap ini.. Kejap itu...Make up your mind!

On a beautiful sunday morning where most people laze in bed and wake up only during noon, i woke up at 7.30am to get ready for a VCT training i had to attend! (VCT stands for voluntary counseling and testing for HIV) 

As usual, i went down to the cafe below my apartment and started off my day in the most normal fashion with a cup of coffee and my daily dose of Malaysian humor via the Sunday times. As I browsed through the first ten pages of the newspaper, i couldn't decide if i wanted to laugh, cry, or rage at what i was reading.

A couple of stories caught my attention.

story 1

The National Fatwa council is deciding on ruling to ban yoga for all muslims because it can deviate them from the teachings of Islam. Wan Mohamed, director jeneral of Jakim says that he is dissapointed with the attitudes of Muslims in the country who are easily influenced by foreign cultures to a point of affecting their faiths. 

Yoga practices may have derived from hinduism, however yoga has many forms. Many of which offered at health clubs are altered yoga to promote healthier living and a form of non strenous exercise which is helpful for preserving the body's agility as well as reduce asthma and heart related diseases. In other words, it is just another form of exercise!

I find it ridiculous to dig so deep in shit because there are bigger issues which should be addressed when it comes to muslim's health and practises. In the workshop i attended this weekend, there were statistics of HIV positive reported cases for year 2007. Out of 80,947 new reported cases, 34,000 were Malays, 19 thousand chinese, 11 thousand indian and the rest were marked no data ( due to the clients discretion of keeping their race anonymous). Surely the prevalence of contracting HIV is more of a bigger issue compared to practising Yoga. Yet we focus on redundant issues and make a big hoo hah about something which is ridiculously insignificant. 

Story 2

New fuel rebate system next year shows an increase in subsidy. For cars which are up to 2500cc, a rebate of RM650 will be awarded per year. Motorcycles with the capacity of up to 250cc will be awarded rm150 per year. A barrel of crude fuel is now priced at USD 65 compared to a few months ago, during our fuel price surge where a barrel costed USD76.44. Even so, Malaysian Fuel prices will see a decrease by next year only and it will not drop below RM1.92 because it is considered a reasonable price.

A rebate system should be able to subsidise efficiently for the poorer group, rather than make the rich richer. If a person can afford a 2500cc private vehicle, i dare say he or she is NOT making ends meet. What is the point of a rebate system if it cannot efficiently reduce the lower income group's needs?

We focus so much on how much is the appropriate amount to charge for fuel price. What about the fact that Malaysia is an Oil producing nation. When the price for fuel rose globally, we did not waste time and raise our prices by an alarming 41 percent. Now that the price has dropped back to what if was, we take our own sweet time to decrease the price. 

Story 3

The price of Avgas ( aviation fuel) has raise by 54% and is higher than in Singapore or Thailand. Flying students and owners of private jets are aghast by the raise of price. For an Aviation student, they will have to spend a good RM70,000 extra on fuel to complete their piloting course. 

Petronas has a monopoly on Avgas and yet the prices are rising. Singapore's Avgas's price dropped 3 months ago in fact. We promise the rakyat to drop fuel prices, but we raise aviation fuel prices. A robin hood situation i presume? Question is, how ethical was Robin Hood?

All about the oink!

While the reason i wanted a damn good portable camera for was to take beautiful snapshots of things i find interesting and amazing poser shots! ( grins ), my entire camera is full of Piggy's shots. Oh gosh, i am obssessed with my baby! Here are a few shots of Piggy and this is why i love her so much. 

I look like a rat after Mommy no.1 cut my fur. =D

Kissy Piggy!

Bollywood shot! Hahaha ( You look at me, i look at you )

Piggy's way of saying I love you too!

Before i decided to give Piggy a fur-cut!

This shot makes her look so pitiful. =)

The "s" word

As i have my morning ritual of papers and coffee at the cafe below my apartment before work this morning, something unusual on the paper's reader's comments caught my eye. There was a lengthy full page of sex practices' description. The entire article was written by a doctor or reproductive health illustrating methods of sex practices commonly performed by people all over the world.

While what i read what might have struck someone not much older than a teenager's interest -merely-, i wondered, why publish such a redundant article! The entire article highlighted scientific terminology on what blowjobs and butt sex is called. As if we dont' already know. as if it served a purpose.

The reason i found it redundant is because, knowing a scientific terminology of any given word is of no use if the aim of the article was to spark more awareness on how to protect yourself from STDs.

All the talk cock sing song terminology will not keep more and more teenagers from being infected with STDs. What they need is sex education. It doesn't take someone with a psychology degree to explain that teenagers tend to do what they are told not to do. Telling them about the possible STDs and consequences of unsafe sex is only the grass root of the whole awareness raising effort. What they need, is to see and hear from other unfortunate people who have been inffected with STDs. Visual stimulations are more effective than cognitive stimulations in th attempt in behavioral changes. Hence the saying, seeing is believing. Just because Gonorrhoea is not as life threatening as AIDS, it doesn't mean it will not scar you and your future sex life or relationships for life.

Malaysia still takes on a non-confrontational approach when it comes to sex education. To us, sex education is a taboo topic culturally and religiously. We come up with excuses that if we were to conduct sex education in school, we will be encouraging our youths to open up to pre-marital sex.

True and false. Knowing the different contraceptive methods will enable teenagers to have a healthy and safe sex life, and perhaps condone more sexual experiences. However, turning a blind eye is worse, as we do not stop them from eventually being sexually active. But we also put them at risk of being infected with all sorts of infections and diseases as well as unnecessary distress of starting a family before they are ready. Curiosity is not something we can curb. It is better to know the hows and why, than to just hope that their curiosity will eventually phase out. There is a saying which says that curiosity is a mother of invention. Hell yeah in this context, only that the invention is more of STDs and unwanted births.

I strongly believe that it is important to start sex education in school itself. While sex education can be embarassing and awkward, it is a milestone in creating a more health conscious malaysian youth from a sexual perspective. Recently, a little girl told me that her classmates were talking using the "F" word. And they were 7 years old. Pre-schoolers the year before. What the hell? We cannot blame it on the parents using the words at home casually or as swear words. It is because the meaning of the word is not explained to a child, that the child uses the word carelessly without thinking of its consequences. It is because even as parents, they tend to shield their children from any information to do with the birds and bees and give their children the negative connotations of sex as being a dirty word and action.

Sex education will be a saving grace to your younglings if it's anything. And the way our system is going right now, there is very little hope for the younger generation. If we keep looking at the smaller picture and focus of preserving what's lft of our culture, surely in time, we will see that our current emphasis is so miniscule compared to the bigger problem of trying to stop an STD epidemic.

Sex is beautiful. Let us not view it as a sin.

Adult's blues

Last weekend Kathy and I made our way down south, to Jakarta. It was a good trip i suppose, considering the volcanic crater we visited was a sight to behold and the shopping that was dirt cheap and satisfying to the core! ( say can take the meaning of spending millions in a day literally)

 

HOwever, this blog will not be about jakarta. I will put up pictures and write a piece on it soon, but just not now. Somehow, i don't feel very enthusiastic about writing bout a place which gave me the worst cold-fever-cough which im still recovering from this very moment, worst airport treatment and biggest credit card bill ever.. well, not yet at least..

 

I realised recently more people are following my blog. It's comforting as in comparison tofriendster or facebook, my real friends are actually interested in hearing what i have to say or feel, real friends that go back way to school days, and other whom i've got to know through the blogging world. The feeling of having someone check out your blog is like comfort food. At least you know they're more interested in  keeping up with what you've been up to, rather than how you look or simply to add you to the popularity list of other friends and acquaintances they have. They want to hear you, not merely see you..

 

As i browse through my friend's blogs yesterday, i came across a devastating news from an old time friend. Her father had passed away last month and i had only come to know of it yesterday. I immediately called her and offered her my condolences, not sure how to thread in my conversation without reliving the pain and loss. I felt guilty for not reading her blog earlier, or to call her to simply catch up because I've been having this nagging feeling of meeting up with her more than 2 months now. 

 

Today we had lunch, coffee and had a small chitchat. And i missed having real conversations with people that mattered to me. I had a good time catching up with her and most of all, i was deeply moved by her strength and optimism in spite of losing her father.

 

The loss of loved ones is an inevitable rite of passage for everyone. I could call it a preordained event rather.. It is not uncommon, yet no one can fully prepare to be unhurt from this natural occurrence. 

 

Emma said to me " We know our parents will leave one day, but just not now, you really cannot expect it, and although we know that it will happen eventually, the pain is nothing like how you can imagine or prepare yourself to be,"

 

Losing a loved one is a scary thought. As humans, we rely so much more on human relations. So much which hence came along the saying, no man is an island. Especially when you pass the phase of wanting a large group of friends. At this point of my life, i have very few, but very dear friends, and my family of course. 

 

People often confuse individuals with lesser friends to be more independant. Truth is, the lesser people we have around us, the more dependant we are on that few relationships that exist. Why is it that we can anticipate anything that comes our way, but the demise of a loved one? Beats me. God's cruel joke of punishing us for the free will he had granted only to us, and no one else in the universe i guess so. As i was talking to Emma, i found out more of my friends had lost their parents recently. And it scared me greatly. Because i know that i for one, am not prepared and strong enough, and will probably never be.

 

If i should lose my parents at any juncture of my life, i will unfortunately only be more dependant on those still around me. And it's not as if i had not grown up to be more matured and self sufficient. It is just something i cannot accept and almost resentful over my non-existant control to change fate. 

 

I simply can't wait for Christmas. This year, it will be just my mum, dad, two dogs and me.. I can't wait to have our traditional christmas eve quarrel which I’ve always dreaded and make up on Christmas day. Because one day, i will miss it i know. I can't wait to spend time with them and try and be an understanding daughter for once at least. My mother will turn 64 this December. She is not old and frail, but it scares me still. I want my mother to give my kids their first whack, their first lesson. I want my kids to sit on my dad's lap while he plays "this little piggy" on their toes the way he used to with me and all my cousins, i want to be there, and for once, i want to just be with them.