Year 2008

I never want to jinx myself. Or at least i try to be optimistic that when misendeavours happen, there'll be a silver lining somewhere after that. However, year 2008 has really put my endurance towards all types of pain to a test.. Here it goes...

At the beginning of year 2008, i landed in a job i absolutely hated, there luck turned around and here i am, in a job which i love to bits and pieces, but could never find enough sleep to compensate for the beauty of it all. 

Then, my puppy died after being infected with Parvo virus. Which left my parents sad and broken. My mum was then admitted to the hospital for a bad case of dengue, which she almost lost her life to. 

Recently, i was granted a scholarship to do my masters in Human Rights in Korea which i had no choice but to reject, due to my mum's health conditions and my commitments towards the housing loan which i had just undertaken. My poodle fell sick, which was later diagnosed with a degenerative disorder which had no cure to. My dad then fell sick and was admitted to the hospital for a growth which is now in the process of being tested to be malignant or benign. Then Christmas came, and yesterday, on CHirstmas day, my entire family spent the whole day zooming in and out of clinics, because my mum had suspected dengue fever, AGAIN! Since my mum refused to be admitted on Chirstmas day, we are still running to and fro from hospitals to check her blood and platlet count. I have fallen sick 5 times this year, and i suspect once more before the year ends due the the fatigue i've been experiencing these past few days. 

There is 5 more days before the year ends. God forbid that this year might be any more worse than it already was and i am still waiting to see that silver lining. Nobody likes to usher in the new year with a cloud hanging over their head. 

Sigh... fatigue.. depression... anxiety......Where is my silver lining?????????????????

So this is Christmas

I've been EXTREMELY BUSY recently, therefore the lack of posts being posted up. But here i am, on a christmas eve, at starbucks doing what i love to do while i'm back at my home town. 

After months and months of toiling for christmas presents and bargains to check off the christmas present list that i had, i spent exactly RM1543.50. This does not include the "bargains" and "must-haves" that i have splurged on myself... I don't even want to do the math anymore... But oh well, Christmas is all about giving, and watching the ecstatic faces of people ripping their wrappers apart to get to whats inside. And i hope that everyone who i have toiled hard for while buying their gifts would love what i bought. 

So this is Christmas, and soon a happy new year. And it kind of makes me sad that christmas is already here, and all the hype and enthusiasm will be dying down soon... Sad sad thought...sigh!!!

So have a Merry merry Chist-a-mas everybody!! don't let the season pass you by without even realising....

Be back after new year!

Dirty old men...

" so how many did you score yesterday macha?"

"(grins) two"

"motherfucker! WHoah.. Where did you take them back to? and two ar macha? HOw la you handled it?"

"hotel la bro.. You know la chicks these days. They're up for it together-gether. (laughs obnoxiously)"

"Why din go back to their place, who knows got more bitches to join in?"

"Those cunts were staying in hostel la bro."

"Work hostel?"

"No la. College accomodation."

"College girls???? How old were they?"

" I think about 18 or 19. Quite cheap also, I tipped rm100 each and motherfucker you should see the shit they were doing la. Better than GROs"  with disgusting gestures)

" You got tape ar?"

"(snickers) No la crazy ar you? Dangerous wei... U know la. Shit luck and it'll end up in my wife's hands one day. Die man.. Must be smart la..thats why i main college girls. cheap, easy, tight, "

I couldn't help but eavesdrop this conversation of two middle aged men sitting in front of me at Starbucks. 

Firstly, they were talking loudly as though this is a usual table conversation and for someone who doesn't want his wife to find out bout his sick habits, he wasn't being remotely discreet about it. Secondly, I couldn't help but pick up disgustingly rude words they were using like "cunt", "motherfucker", "bitch" and others which i feel inappropriate to even post up on my blog! And thirdly, THIRDLY, i couldn't believe my ears and couldn't mask my disgust of married middle aged balding "Uncles" bragging about screwing teenagers which are old enough to be their daughters. Fourthly, being a teenager somewhat not too long ago, i cannot imagine why would young beautiful girls want to have sex with old ugly men for money. I am being judgemental here so sue me... but i still think it is awful, disgustingly disgusting, and just plain SICK!

As i grow older each day, and think of getting married, having children and being middle aged myself not too long from now, it scares me. It scares me to have a husband who would sit with his friends and brag about the "chicks" who are more supple and younger than me that he has had relationships with, it scares me to have daughters who might be one of those "chicks",  It scares me to have sons who might turn gay for materialistic reasons, it scares me that my husband will be bringing younger girls to parties instead of bringing me, it scares me greatly..

It is very common these days for older men to date young girls. So common it is almost becoming a norm. In my parent's time, it was unacceptable to see women smoking, wearing revealing outfits, and having premarital sex. But in today's world, my world, my age, all these are acceptable and a norm. I think for once in my life, i can imagine how scary it is for my parents. Because all these things that i think is unnatural and unaaceptable, might just be acceptable in the new age to come... I'm not sure i even want to have children ever now just by these mere thoughts....

It's a scary world out there.... 

Rants

Yesterday, Kathy, Raam( old college mate and ex-tutor ) finally fulfilled our promise of having a drink after working hours. 

While "half-dead-fever sticken Kathy" refused to cave in to her ungodly-state of not being in the right state to consume alcoholic beverages, she and i still made our way to KL sentral for a afterwork drink. Raam appears, half an hour late with a very good reason of having to walk down 30 flights of stairs due to a broken down lift, and we chat over drinks and finger food about the past, present and future.... I know... sounds deep aye? but not so, we were just reminiscing days of when we used to watch after-work urbanites park their bums into bar and restaurants just for a "pick-me-up" before they head home and crash into bed and wonder when we'd be doing the same. Well, the time has come for us to join that crowd. 

I had a wonderful time over drinks. It was great to catch up with friends who DO matter, and share our woes, gossip, and advancements or fall-backs without any qualms. We could bitch till the cows came home.. and there was no one to judge, because we were all in the same position then, and in the same position now. 

I believe i've probably mentioned it once too many times, of my financial difficulties while i was studying in college. And it was great comfort to be able to TALK about it, with people who shared the same predicament then. Kathy, me and Raam never had the luxury of just studying in college. We constantly had to worry about money issues all the way up to where the next meal would be coming from. As i have graduated, grown and matured over the years, i believe that has been the major part in molding our characters and it was something to be proud of, regardless of the not so great academic transcripts ( sorry raam, you were brilliant, just me and kathy). 

Our entire conversation lead me into deeper thoughts. I resented my life in college and how hard it was to make ends meet. And now as a person who's part of the workforce, i still resent my earning capabilities. When does it ever end? The feeling of needing more than what I have. 

When kathy and me started out in college, everything was from scratch. We moved into an empty apartment. Everything we own in this damn unit was donated by someone or picked up from the dumpster downstairs. From the sofa to the TV to the damn shoe rack, cupboards, rice cooker, cuttleries, we did not spend a cent on it. Not because we do not like new shiny plastic wrapped stuff from the store. It is because till this very darn day, it is not easy to afford it. The only thing i had bought for this house is a fully automatic 6 kgs washing machine which i paid in 2 installments. That.. is our pride and joy. It took us 4 damn years to accumulate enough furniture and appliances to be able to call this place "Homely". In fact, we were only donated a sofa set last year from my cousin, and before that, we made do with cushions and other canvas chairs. 

On top of not being able to afford furniture personally, i have my monthly debts that i have to pay and that includes rent, water bills, electricity bills, insurance premium, phone bills, credit card bills, transportation to and back from work and a large chunk to a housing loan which takes up 2/3 of my salary. I don't even have internet connection in my home because that is a luxury. 

Some people ask me why is it that i cannot afford to buy a car, geee.... go figure.. If everyone had to start out the way Kathy and i did with a negative figure in their bank account, they would probably be buying their first second hand car at the age of 30. Society is not kind in terms of personal struggles. They dont want to know what your problems are, but just what u have achieved. People are expected to complete or achieve certain things deem fit for a successful person by a certain age regardless of what their personal struggles might be. If i don't have a car by the time i am 30, i must be terribly spendthrift or just a complete loser. ..per say

Many of my friends started out with help from their parents. Many of them had their first car with downpayment from their parents. Or some of them still lived with their parents, worked for their parents, had a fixed deposit courtesy of their parents to start out in this mean mean world. I am not proud to say that i have been independent because independence is a fucking pain in the arse! I wish i was sheltered at least at some point of my life. :)

I remember a job interview i had, where my interviewer asked me to justify my grades. Even though i had a valid "pity-me" story to explain why i did not obtain first class honors, i stopped, because, people are generally not interested in your shit life. They just want to hear the good part of it. 

But oh well, luck might turn around one day. Life is life, some have it easier, some literally live it in a soiled toilet bowl. Worrying or complaining about it doesnt change the way it is..But the next time you judge someone, maybe you would like to enquire if they do have a "Pity-me" story...

Im not sure this post even has a point to it. But this is me... just ranting..Well, a girl's gotta do what a girl likes to do sometimes rite? And for me.. that includes ranting... 

Cheerios!

Lost in Translation

When u wake up one day from life, be it at any point of your life, with a realization that life can never be the same again, it could be an epiphany, or a prick of conscience, or even a point to which you realize life cannot go on the way it did yesterday and the yesterdays before.

That kind of realization, gives you a surge of adrenaline, a whole new perspective in life, and the emotions and enthusiasm which you cannot suppress even if you wanted to. It is almost as if your whole life had been a lie, and confessions must be made. That, is the birth of inventions, progressions, causes and revolutions..

Many Non-Profit-Organizations or Non-Government-Organizations start off in this manner, where that ONE person decided that there is a need to address a need that has not been addressed. The cause is pure, the intentions are humble, and the fight is for the prevalence of justice.

Throughout my fight for a cause, which has been the scratch of the surface compared to many many MANY others, I’ve learnt that an organization is like a government, where they exist to address injustice on behalf of a group of people. Like majority of the governments in the world, they started out being the voice of the people, and slowly but surely along the way, lose their way towards the reason they started out in the first place. From a humble representative, they learn that with support, comes authority, and with authority, comes power, and with power, comes tyranny. So what happens to the cause? Lost somewhere in translation. They remember the people who supported them at the beginning, remember the people who brought them into the scene at the first place, but somehow, just.. somehow along the way, forget what the people really want or need, because they have learnt to value the people’s opinions lesser with time, and value their own instead. They say, Thank God “I” am here to help you, and not, thank God I am here because of “you”.  NPOs or NGOs, they lose their way, just like any hungry money grubbing business tycoon. Narcissism takes over, and soon, it’s about “ me me me” What “I” want, what “I” think is right and what “I” decide… Justice ends up..Compromised.

My father used to tell me that the word “I” is the most rude word one can use. It reflects self-gratification and selfishness. Self praise is no praise. And I think that’s the biggest wisdom ever reflected in his attempt to mold and chisel my character. Even Jesus was humble enough to say that he is not alone in making miracles. Many times in the bible, it was mentioned that Jesus never separated himself from God the father, and the Holy Spirit. Same way, a government is made out of a collection of people, and so is an organization.  Therefore, the word “I” should be refrained from being used, because really, it is not ONE person who has made it possible, it was everyone who worked their asses off, and not that ONE person.

Today, I prayed an earnest prayer. I prayed for the first time that God would make sure that I would not stray from my cause, from my purpose, from my dedication. I prayed that I would not end up being consumed by power, that if I ever obtained authority and power, I would use it with prudence, and for the cause I am here for in the first place. And I prayed that I will not use the word “I” too often especially for self glorification. I prayed most of all that I will never consider my profession noble, but as an obligation that every human being should fulfill. 

Christmassy feel

Well, there's not much to write, right now as im enjoying sitting by my comp, doing my work, listening carols courtesy of youtube, wishing i was sipping cream cognac, and absolutely absolutely thrilled with prospect of the 6 feet christmas tree Erni ,my boss promised us!!!!!!

Happy Happy awaiting holidays in advance!!!

Name and Taint

The favorite part of the newspaper which i simply have to visit each time i read it is the obituary. No no... don't take it a sick way, not that i enjoy doing headcounts of dead people, but more to inform myself of someone i may know who had passed on without my knowledge. But one reason i never fail to stop at the obituary page is also because i love checking out names of people... Weird i know... who ever said i was anything less than neurotic?

Anyways.... (rolls eyes) back to names. I've been obssesed about names since i was a child. I remember all my plush toys by names. And since i didn't have barbie dolls, i used to name my green army soldiers as well as put my lego pieces together in the shape of a boy or girl and name them. I remember wishing my name was different, for a very good reason! See, my full name is Charlene Fay Murray, some or my teachers pronounced my name as "Cha-le-ne" for 2 full years. Some called me "charlie" which was associated to Charlie Chaplin, my nickname for 4 full years in primary school. And then, we learnt bout malay idioms! Sigh... There was a idiom to name a talkative person "mulut murai" in malay, and since i was talkative and my surname is Murray, you see the connection don't you. And then came secondary school, where i returned to schoold being fat and almost obese. Sigh... I was a fat fat kid. And the secondary school i went to was predominantly attended by chinese students. So see.... MY middle name is Fay, and in mandarin, Fay simply means FAT! So teachers and students started calling me fattie, fay fay, char kueh tiaw ( cz its greasy therefore equivalent to fats therefore equivalent to fay my middle name).

So see, can u understand now why on earth i wanted to just have a normal average name like "laura" or "melissa" or even "salimah". At least people wouldn't have teased me.

But through the years, i have learnt to appreciate my name. It's unique, it's a part of my grandmother's name and i think it suits me well, tho some people like Kathy, still contests that a name like "betty" would suit me better.

Some names are just wrong. Like Kathy reckons that the name "bertha" is horrid because one cannot say the name without making a "yucky" face. it's like saying the word puke. Same way we agreed that we would not name our kid "natasha" because we know too many "B****" who are named Natasha. I personally think Beatrice is a name of a mean person. And most people who are named "prudence" are often not prudent at all. Gary always sounds gay. And "jesus" is just wrong to be used on a human. "einstein" wll make your kid a laughing joke in school. And names like "Vaginia, Zakaria, Mani, Rahimah, Ah-Kau, Ah-choo, Ah-Siow, Ah-lan, Ah-ciao" are just WRONG....

Names are a very big aspect of one's life... when u have the chance to choose one....choose wisely... :)

My life as a social worker..

Over the past months, i have been wondering if i am in a profession which is suits me best. I am constantly moody these days, suffer from bad neck and back aches, insomniac, lethargic, edgy, find no time to groom myself, suffer from multiple layers of eyebags despite that SK ii miracle water i am using and most of all, can't find time to do the normal activities normal working adults at my age do. Watching tv is a luxury. Having a neat closet with clean clothes is a luxury. taking a long bath is a luxury, spending time with my loved ones is the biggest luxury of all which i cannot find time to indulge in.

For many other people who do what regular people do, whether it is working in an office, being a doctor, engineer, or running their own business, life seems simpler, and more clear cut. There are clear cut rules and regulations, they can anticipate the worst case scenario, and anticipate the possible solutions to their daily problems. Make no mistake that i am not trying to undermine what regular people do. I think everyone has a purpose and a form of contribution to the society they live in, be it big or small their contributions. I envy people who have that kind of job, because everything has a form of solution. 

Today, i was chatting with a friend for a brief 5 minutes, my luxury time to sit down and enjoy my cup of water without the phone buzzing away in my office. And i was relating to her why i felt stressed over the case of the 10 months old baby we couldn't find a viable solution for. The situation seems to simple for damage control. But the obstacles which seemed so unreasonable and ridiculous stood steadfast in our way. It pained me. It made me sick to my stomach that someone would treat a 10 months old baby this way and yet, i feel powerless though i try and try and try. 

She mentioned to me that what i was doing is great. (yeah right considering i am not much of a help) and that she could only imagine what i have to face everyday at work. That jocked up my thoughts, why should i feel so helpless when compared to the families of those who are more distraught in distress? Do i have the right to self pity myself over my powerless self? Maybe i am not doing enough, focusing too much on how it is affecting me. Bernard told me once that i should leave work at work. And getting too much into it will just break me eventually. Unfortunately, that is a luxury too! the simple at of leaving work at work. 

I know of many other people working for the government. And Non- Government-Organisations. Some seem happy after working hours, some have the luxury of leaving work at work. And i wonder, is it because i do not know how to delegate efficiently, or do i just have bad problem solving skills although i facilitate problem solving classes for the refugees? I am still finding that answer. 

I am faced with broken people everyday, knowing deep down inside that i won't be able to help 9 out of 10 of these people. Why am i still fighting this losing battle? THAT! i found the answer to.

I can pretend that the rest of the world is doing their best. And trying to make this country a better place. Be optimistic in life and assume that when things are out of control, i have already done my best. This way, a can live a long and fulfilling life, knowing that i have already done my best, and leave the rest up to God, the government, the system or whatever bullshit. I could be an average typical malaysian, who lives for my life only.

OR, i could be the one who doesn't walk away from other people's pain. Who strives non stop even when the situation remains hopeless. Who doesn't let fear and failure distraught me. Who is realistic and does not ignore situations just because it did not happen to me, and to somebody else. I could be insomniac, lie awake thinking of possible ways to do my job more efficiently and never give up. 

No one said it would be easy.. But i think i'd go with option 2..  :) 

A cry for life

This weeks been a crazy week. So many thing to talk about so little time. In fact, i could write ten posts with all the issues i have waltzing in my mind. But i'l just jumble them up, whether they would be coherent to each another or not. 

Last week's been bitter sweet. From the Mumbai killings, to My boss's acquittal from her 13 year-long  trial, but the one thing that struck me most this friday last week was a case that was brought to our office. I personally attended to a case where a distraught father came to our office to report the case of his wife and 10 months old daughter who had been arrested by the immigration. 

See, the reason which peeved us most was, the mother of the child was an Indonesian with a legitimate passport and a working permit, where else the child had a UNHCR refugee status card like her father. 

As the father pleaded to have his sick daughter released ( she had high fever, flu and cough), the immigration officials said that it was impossible even when UNHCR tried to intervene. The mother of the child was asked to leave her daughter behind as she had legitimate documents to walk away free. As any mother in their right mind would have done, she fought hard to stay with her baby, but they insisted. 

When Immigration realised the ruckuss the NGOs and UNHCR were making over this case, they decided to revise their decision in not letting both mother and child go. The mother was to be re-arrested and the child would not be released into UNHCR's care as promised, due to the policy that a migrant cannot get pregnant here while on work permit or else they will be deported. 

While all this was going on, and we worked our asses off trying to get Immigration to talk to us over the weekend due to the possible fatal outcome of the sick baby, there was still no medical attention for the child, despite our call to make medical treatment top priority for this case.  The child's father is still sitting her in this very office, while i type out an appeal to all you people to pray for his family. 

Did you know that

1. Lower class migrants are called migrants/domestic workers/laborers and higher class migrants are called expats. Expats are allowed to buy property, assets, have children. Domestic workers are NOT allowed to get pregnant in this country or they will be repatriated
2. Babies and children are protected under UNICEF and the CRC convention which malaysia has signed, yet there is no legal protection for undocumented and stateless children. They are thrown into detention camps, held up in lock ups with or without their parents should they be caught, even if they do have a refugee status UNHCR card.
3. Immigration and other departments do not hold true to their words, they can change their decision any time without issuing a proper memorandum orstatement to justify the factor pertained to changing their decision. 
4. You can be arrested for one allegation in malaysia and be charged for another allegation      ( which you are not arrested for) if they fail to prove the first allegation to be true. For example, the immigration had no business of catching a passport holder with a legitimate permit. By right, they owe her and the embassy an apology on their negligence in checking first before arresting. However, they looked into other aspects which they can charge her with so that they can scott free from their impudence. Therefore, they tried to charge her for getting married ( basic human rights? ), which they couldnt because she wasn't legally married in court. And then they charged her for having a child illegally( basic human rights too?)
5. The child or anyone who is in need of  medical attention can be denied medical intervention or care at detention camps if the officials FEEL like it. There is no policy towards it to support their actions.( basic human rights denied again?) The child is also not allowed to be given diapers or milk ( as the miigration officers deem fit) by strangers. 
6. There is no clear cut system on what the visitation hours are like and who can or cannot visit at immigration camps. It is up to the official's discretion and how much kopi u can afford to belanja. 
7. The common procedure for repatriation for a migrant worker is to be sent to a detention camp where the living conditions are a bed or thorns, and then be repatriated once they have settled issues , or some say, served their punishment for their wrongdoings. Even if the person is a child or elderly, or in this case, a baby. The country embassy can request to have the person/child in shelter custody if they come to know of a vulnerable case like this. However,  most of the time the embassies do not know of these cases, unless they are informed by nosy organisations as the one i work for. 
8. There are three types of rules in our country, regulations, policies and the law. The law preceeds the rest. Policies can be disputed by the LAW. But here, it is on ad-hoc and "suka-suka" basis. There is more than one way to manipulate the law to adhere to the policy rather than to manipulate the law to contravene the policy. Cool system yeah? Malaysians aren't that dumb i guess..

I hope that you have taken time to read this post of mine. And i hope that somehow in any way that you can, you would find it in your heart to do domething about it. Pray, write a petition, spread the word, be nicer to a migrant the next time you see one. 

A 10 months old baby could be dying this very moment. This is your and my beautiful Malaysia truly Asia. It is a wonder i can sleep at night sometimes, knowing i am on such dangerous grounds built upon vicious laws which disregards all humanity....